Konoha Invades Fanfiction!
by LuigiFreak
Summary: Tsunade finds this peculiar website called Fanfiction Net and decides to hold a contest to see who can write the best oneshot. But what they don't know is all of the...pairings that will scar them for life. One fic per character, future Naruhina, Sakulee
1. Naruto's Fanfic!

**Luigifreak (the guy who's writing this): Naruto, please give us the disclaimer.**

**Naruto: Nobody owns me! Ha!**

**Kishimoto: Actually, I own you.**

**Minato: And I would own you if I weren't dead right now...**

**Sasuke: I totally pwned you in that battle, admit it, dobe.**

**Naruto: Fine, fine, whatever.**

**Also, this fanfic was inspired by the idea of DtecnoKira, who in turn, was inspired by kagescorpionakki. A few other people also implemented this idea into their fanfics, so who knows who the original writer is? However, I will do something somewhat different, in that each chapter features one character's own oneshot, and there will be some kind of...unusual plot. :P**

**Shikamaru: Troublesome...Let's just get this over with, I really need to go home and play some Strip Shogi with Temari.**

**Luigifreak: Strip...shogi?!...What's wrong with you?!**

**-And one more detail to keep in mind, this fic mostly takes place pre-timeskip, but right after the Sasuke Retrieval Arc. Also, Sasuke was successfully rescued by Naruto, his curse mark was removed, and Orochimaru didn't molest Sasuke! Yay!**

_Chapter 1: Naruto's Fic!  
_

Naruto slowly woke up to the bitter, medical fumes of Konoha Hospital, remembering only one thing. He slammed his Rasengan a split second before Sasuke could jab his Chidori, and Naruto dodged enough of it that Sasuke laid unconscious while he carried him fifty meters home. Then, he succumbed to fatigue and fainted on the spot. Kakashi took them both back to Konoha, and everything would be fine. For now, at least, until madness starts to ensue.

Naruto rubbed his eyes slowly, seeing something...someone...with pale skin, blue hair, and lavender eyes, one that he could only recognize as...

"Hinata? Is that you? Were you here for this whole time?" Naruto asked, before she literally just collapsed to the ground, her face looking like an overgrown tomato.

A medical ninja came into Naruto's room, wearing an apron, with pink hair and green eyes. She said, "Heh, looks like Hinata fainted...again. What did you do this time, baka? Oh, and to answer your question, she was _only_ here for the last 114 hours."

"114...hours?! What the hell?! How long was I out?!" Naruto panicked.

Sakura replied simply, "About a week," before Naruto burst out, "Crap! Sasuke-teme could've stolen all my ramen by now! He knows where my house is! MY RAMEN!"

Sakura smacked Naruto in the cheek, calming him down, and said, "Look, baka, Sasuke-kun isn't going anywhere for a long time. He's being held on trial...I hope he doesn't get arrested!...But you still kept your promise. Thanks for that, Naruto."

"No prob, Sakura-chan, now I gotta check on my instant ramen! If anyone ate them, I'll Rasengan them up their ass all the way to Suna!" Naruto yelled, before running off to check his ramen.

After an unusually high amount of glares from visitors, apparently because he got the Last Uchiha sent to a trial, Naruto found a paper stapled to the front of his house.

"Damned ads...Might as well read this one..."

_Konoha's 1st Annual Essay Contest_

_Submit an essay or something of the type, about 1,000 words long,_

_to the Hokage's office, and they will be sent to an undecided_

_website. Once the website is decided, the reviews which viewers leave_

_will determine your standings in the contest. Prize money_

_will be 10 million ryo._ _Oh, and Naruto..._

_USE THE GODDAMN SPELL CHECK!!_

**-Tsunade, 5th Hokage**

"Hmph! I'll show baa-chan how good of a writer I am! People take me for granted, but just look at these abs! Wait...what do abs have to do with writing?..." Naruto said out loud, ignoring the people staring at his rant, and he went inside, booting up his 11-year old computer.

'Hm...Gotta think of an idea...Ha, I got it! I'll make a story about how good of a ninja I am! That'll teach Sasuke-teme to betray us all!"

_(A/N: Keep in mind, I'm trying to keep Naruto in character because Naruto's just being Naruto by spelling everything wrong.)_

**Naruto's Oneshot/Fic**

**Title: I are teh GreaTest nInja! And RamEn rulez!**

**Rating: T**

**Summary: I are Naruto and I am teh Greatest Ninja alive! Pairings: Narusaku, Sasu/Nobody! Ha, in your face, Sasuke! HA!!**

I are Naruto and i am in teh villege of Konoa, were there r ninjas and all dat cool shit. its pretty awesome here, would be awesomer if teh villegerz werent liek all "U suck majoorly Narutard!"

and im all liek, "U know wat? suck it bitch!" and they all leaves me alone.

I liek luvved Sakura Haruno for my hole life! Well maybe only a couple of months but she only lieks Saske-teme and Saske-temes a compleet douchebag! he always shows off acts cool and tries 2 beet me at everything, and i bet he watches gay pron all teh time bekuz he always avoids girlz who lieks him like Sakra and Ino, and Sakra's not even dat bad looking!

but anyway, our Sensay is Kakasi sensei and hes teh man, altho like the girlz, he only pays atention to Saske, and maybee hes gay also cuz he only goes to Saske-teme liek teh girls. anyway, Saske wood be nothin without Kakasi anyway becuz Kakasi taut Saske his Cheetos-ree or Cheedori or watever. i dunno how to spel dat. (A/N: He doesn't know how to spell ANYTHING!)

Our team was all liek walking down teh street to get our uber-pwnage awsome mission from baa-chan Soonade, and i see Hinata who has sum kind of allergy cuz she turnin pink and all dat. Its cool wit me, at least she aint done nothin to me yet, shes super nice and all, but id probably rather go out with Sakura-chan cuz she all hot and cute u know? But wenever i ask, i get all punchd and maybe i mite liek Hinata better cuz when i becum Hoekage, if shes my wife, she wont punch me in teh face all day. itll be liek so painless and awesome. But she liek never talks and Sakura-chans much hotter, so ya.

Oh, and we just arrivd at baa-chans office and I liek trip on a rock and every1s just liek, "u stoopid dobe" or "naruto ur a baka" and Kakasi givs me a bandage but cmon! its liek completely normal 2 trip once in awile, u knows?

We go into Soonade baa-chans office and trust me, she looks hawt, but shez liek a gramma and shes uber-old, u dun wanna date her. trust me. I relize i said dat out loud and Soonade baa-chan smacked me ucross teh head, sendin me flying and i hit my hed to teh wall. "OW taht hurt!" i sed before she smirked and told us our mission. OMFG AN A-RANKKED MISSION! I AM SOOOO HAPPIE! Liek im gonna pwnzor Saske-teme and show Sakra-chan how awesome i am!

On teh mission, enemy ninjas atack, and Saske gets out his shurriken and trows it at a guy but he misses because hes gay and he sucks ass. liek the enemy totally pwnd Saske and one guy finaly choped Saske-temes head of. Every1 was liek surprized and Sakura-chan wuz cryin and all but i was laffin' out loud, IT WAS SO FUNNY! Saske sucks dis much as a ninja! hes pathetic! Then i kill the enemiez wit my tottaly awesome n00b-pwnzoring RASENNGAN!! And they all splat blood and Sakura-chan forgetz all about Saske-teme and she hugz me cuz im awesom like taht. "i luve you Naruto-kun!" Sakra sez.

"I luv u too!" i say and we both huged all day. Lat'r dat day, i see Hinata so shes all liek, "w-w-w-w-w-wanna go out wit me Naruto-kun?" and im liek, "sry but im taken, Sakura-chans dating me, but theres alwayz kiba." and she liek starts 2 cry four sum reason, but kibas givin a big smile and shino just smacked him on teh head and now he got a huge bump! LOL!

_16 yearz later:_

Sakra-chans still beauteeful and we have liek 25 chldrenz. They r all awsome and i am Hoekage liek teh awesomest ninja in teh whole villege and Sakura-chan is liek an ANBU. But i dun get it...Y is Hinata crying? she got married to kiba, and they is supposed 2 be happy! O well. Oya and i eats ramen every day now cuz im Hoekage and im all awesome and crap. Yay!

**The End!**

Naruto smiled gleefully at his newly-written essay, thinking it would get him the long-awaited title of Hokage just because it's so well-written! 'I gotta run to baa-chan!' Naruto thought, and he did just that. But first, Naruto unfortunately bumped into a black crow's butt! No, wait, that's just Sasuke!

"Watch it, dobe!...Wait, what's this?" Sasuke asked, picking up Naruto's fresh fanfic, going over it and sneering at it even more with each line.

"This is pathetic, you know that?! Half of the words are spelled wrong and I would never die before you do, because I am superior, and even worse, I will NEVER watch gay porn. Understand, dobe?! Now put this piece of trash in the recycling bin..."

"Oh, yeah?! This essay's awesome, believe it! And I've seen you read Icha-Icha: The Special Yaoi Edition! Don't lie to me, teme!" Naruto flared back.

"...Tell anyone and you DIE," Sasuke said, firmly, sending chills up Naruto's spine, as he continued to rush to Tsunade's office. Once he got there, he found a computer, but it had the strangest title for a webpage.

_Fanfiction dot Net._

So, what did everyone think? I intend to have all of the characters make one fanfic, in their point of view, or otherwise about them. Also, what should the characters spazz about on Fanfiction Net? The Yaoi? Yuri? Crack pairings? Should Sakura smack Naruto over the head because of all the Narusaku's on the site? Let me know :)


	2. Sasuke's Fanfic and the Chaos!

**Luigifreak: First off, thank you, everybody, for the already abundant reviews! Keep R&R'ing, I want to know how I'm doing! But now is the time for the utterly pointless disclaimer! Hit it, Hinata!**

**Hinata: O-Okay.**

**Sakura: OW! What the hell was that for?!**

**Luigifreak: We all know that you secretly hate Sakura, Hinata, but what I meant was: Say the disclaimer! Geez...**

**Hinata: Luigifreak d-does not own Naruto. But I wish to own him in bed soon. Hehehe...**

**Naruto: Eh...what?**

**Hinata: Eep!...Naruto-kun! Did...did you hear anything I said?**

**Naruto: Nope. But what did you say anyway?**

**Hinata: N-Nothing...**

**Angry Mob: Can we get this fanfic started already?! We don't need romance!**

**Angry Naruhina Mob: Not when it's Naruhina romance! GO NARUHINA!!**

**Angry Sasusaku Mob: Well, we're okay with that, but what would really be awesome is if we randomly killed Luigifreak.**

**Luigifreak: What the...I'm outta here faster than if Sasuke's being chased by fangirls! Later!...Ouch! Not there! Damn, now Sai has an excuse to insult me...**

**(Just so you know, all fanfiction titles on this chapter are not real. (Unless they are and I didn't know about it)**

_Chapter 2: Sasuke's Fic! And the Outrage!_

Naruto stared at the mysterious computer screen with the strange website, Fanfiction dot Net, which Tsunade said she would host all of Konoha's essays on. Curious, Naruto looked under the "Anime" section and found around 140,000 stories under "Naruto"!

"Sweet, I'm so famous! Oh, yeah! Believe it!" Naruto yelped, before a glass vase was thrown at his head from an unknown source, reminding him to stop saying, "Believe it".

"Now...lemme look at the fics here," Naruto said out loud, searching for anything that may be of interest.

1. Those Doggone Lavender Eyes- Hana keeps pressuring Kiba to get a girlfriend, now that he's a Chunin, but even Kiba himself admits that no girl would want a dog-breath like him. Until his longtime teammate steps up to him, that is. KibaHina.

"Hm...Doesn't sound too bad, Kiba and Hinata would make a cute couple! Now, lemme see if they have anything about Sakura-chan...Hehe..." Naruto started with a perverted, drooling smile, looking down at the next title.

2. The Black Cherry Blossom- Sakura always thought of herself as useless and sought power every day. She wanted to show him how powerful a woman she could be. However, he was also looking for power. Sasusaku, at Orochimaru's place

"NO! No, no, no! Just no! I treat Sakura-chan nicely every day, while that emo, gay, pompous-ass, chicken-butt head is always a prick to her! She deserves to be MINE!" Naruto fumed, looking down at Number 3.

3. My Foxy Boyfriend- Naruto always had a demon inside him and had no one to love. Immersed in loneliness, he looks for a way out and a certain Uchiha may be the answer. Sasunaru.

"...WHAT THE HELL?! Are you nuts?! Ew! Sick! Nasty! Me and Sasuke-teme...NO! I'll find the depraved person that did this and make them into ramen! Ugh!" Naruto yelled in disgust, running out to get a barf bag. Just as he almost made it to the bathroom, he tripped and bumped into Sasuke, landing in a very awkward position. Naruto's mouth was inconveniently placed right between Sasuke's legs...and let's just say Tsunade will love looking at her security camera videos later on.

"Watch it, dobe! I'm trying to find the damn computer for the essay, which will kick yours up the ass all the way to Ichiraku's! Hn..." Sasuke said menacingly.

"My essay doesn't have an ass, teme, but whatever you do, DON'T look at fanfic Number 3...I mean it, you'll regret it for the rest of your life! It'll burn your eyes! And you can't un-see something." Naruto replied.

"Hn," was Sasuke's simple reply before he went to look at fanfic number 3 and Naruto continued to the bathroom.

Sasuke went in the room, saw the computer, and looked at the strange webpage called Fanfiction Net as well. It seemed to have fictional archives of what he and other Konoha ninja went through...Sasuke thought, "Well, a KibaHina isn't that bad...I'd probably kill myself if I had to date that pink fangirl...and HOLY SHIT!!"

Sasuke started blushing, then wore a brown paper-bag mask to cover his facial expressions, as he started getting...excited. 'I...MUST...READ...THIS!' Sasuke thought and quickly read it, getting more and more turned on, until someone knocked on the door and...

'Damn, I gotta get outta this page!' Sasuke thought, closing the browser window and seeing Tsunade right in front of him with a curious expression.

"Uh...Sasuke, right? Why do you have a paper bag over your face and...that lump in your pants...I don't wanna know. Just leave within the next fifteen minutes," she said, leaving the room again, so that Sasuke could experience more of his lifelong fantasies (with Naruto.)

"Oh, my god...these fanfics are so good!...Yeah...me and Naruto-kun...I gotta make one of my own Sasunarus! Yeah! That'll be my essay...but I can't submit it under my name, so I should make a screenname, perhaps?" Sasuke said quietly, tapping at the keyboard, thinking of "fun" ideas for him and Naruto.

**Sasuke's Fanfic/Oneshot**

**Name: Hn.**

**Rating: M (Actually a T, but Sasuke loves looking tough.)**

**Description: Hn. A Sasunaru.**

A ninja appears from the shadows, handsomely smirking into the falling wind. It is none other than I, the genius of the almighty Uchiha clan, Sasuke Uchiha! I am marvelous. But there is only one problem. I brood all night, because my stupid, damn, stupid, idiotic, stupid, traitorous, stupid, weasel, stupid, fucking stupid older brother, Itachi-teme, had to kill my clan! That, and I am the target of fangirls everywhere! Those freaks and their nasty, horrendous, bouncing breasts! They disgust me! Truth be told, I only love one person, and I hate the fangirls with a passion, all because of one reason.

I am gay.

Yes, it's true, I am even though I deny it. The love of my life is Naruto, who only goes to that bitch, Sakura, who in turn is a complete whore for me. It's like a fatal love triangle of death or something that will kill us all. KILL US ALL!! And to avoid my fate and save my beloved dobe, I need power. POWER!!

Gay or not, though, I am the coolest ninja that has ever existed. Cooler than that guy who acts like he's gay, Neji. He seems gay at first sight, but it's pretty obvious that he has the hots for his cousin, Hinata, and that looking at her while she showers is FAB-U-LOUS! Sick pervert. There's also that poser tough guy, Gaara. He says he doesn't care about anyone and would kill everyone, but in reality, he's a complete pussy and a mama's boy. (A/N: In some aspects, this is actually true, if you read the manga/watched the anime) I am neither of those above. I don't care about my mother, father, or that random guy who yells, "FISH STICKS!" at 6:45 AM every day. No, I just want my stupid clan back for their power. I slit my wrists every night hoping that power will come to me in that way. But most importantly...I love my Naruto.

See, he calls me "teme" very often, and it pierces my heart every time I hear that. I just want to announce my love for him to the whole world. One day, Hokage Tsunade-sama calls us to the office right in the middle of my wrist-slitting session. Damn! I go, my wrists still bleeding, and Sakura tried to get near me so many freaking times during my torturous walk that I wanted to slam a Chidori in her annoying, little face. Why can't she just be lesbian with Ino or something? Gets rid of two fangirls. Hn.

There he is. Naruto-kun. His hair was glowing in the wind and I wanted...no, I NEEDED to have him. In bed. I say "hi" to him, but it must've sounded so dark, so he said back, "Don't talk to me, teme, I hate you." How that shattered my heart to pieces, I don't know, but it did and I would cry. Except that I needed to sound strong in front of my future lover, so I just said, "Hn."

We all arrived at the FAB-U-LOUS Hokage's office, and she was SO wearing a dress that didn't match her skin...or her humongous...you know. WHAT-EVER!...Sorry about that outburst...Anyway, Naruto-kun was hyperactive as usual, and we got sent to a simple, damn D-rank mission that wouldn't do shit to increase my power or experience. I NEED to tear Itachi into bits to protect Naruto-kun! Our mission was to retrieve that damn Daimyo's cat...pussy...heh, pussy. Well, we needed to do it again. Heh...do it again...heh...I wish it was Naruto. No! Must...get...dirty...thoughts...out of head!

We seek for the cat, but instead of the cat, we find a conveniently located 150-meter deep pit with a ROOT member in the bottom, wearing an outfit that made him look oh-so-gay and FAB-U-LICIOUS!! Yay! His belly button was even exposed! Then, I saw the perfect opportunity! Sakura was RIGHT next to the pit, so I shoved her in, with an evil smirk carved on my face, and Sakura-bitch said, "SASUKE-KUN! WHYYYY?!" as she fell to her doom.

YES!! ONE LESS FANGIRL, BOO-YA!

"Oh my god, you killed Sakura!" Kakashi started, and Naruto finished, "You bastard!"

Then, avoiding impending doom, the other supposedly gay guy dodged the bitch and climbed out of the pit. He introduced himself as Sai and said, "Hey, guys! Do any of you like penis? Because you can't be a man without a penis!"

I blushed for the first time in my life as I slowly nodded resentfully, avoiding Naruto-kun and Kakashi-sensei's stares. Naruto had a shocked look on his face, and Kakashi remained calm like usual, reading his Icha-Icha...Ugh! It has GIRLS on it! Cooties!

Naruto-kun then asked me sadly, "Are you seriously gay, Sasuke?!...Because I always was, too. I just didn't want to be the only one..."

I answered quietly, "I'm...not gay. I'm only gay for you," and I pulled Naruto-kun into a deep hug, making Rock Lee grab a random barf bag in the background, crying under a sunset. That was when Sai asked, "So...foursome at my house?"

"Hell yeah!" we both answered, and Kakashi lazily answered, "...Why not? Just gimme the new Icha-Icha when we're done."

So fifteen years later, I eventually ripped through my idiot brother with a Chidori and Naruto and I lived happily ever after. We had no children of our own, of course, but Hinata's father, Hiashi, threw away his third daughter like a complete dickwad, so we adopted the 7-year old kid and named her...Sasunaru. Sasunaru Uchiha.

**The End! A Happily Gay FAB-U-LOUS Ending! **(A/N: I don't support Yaoi at all, but this WAS in Sasuke's perspective, and he's gay in this story.)

Sasuke smiled warmly for the first time in such a long time after reading his own fanfic, then searched for Naruto's fanfic and saw the reviews it got so far.

_Author: Ramenninja_

_Title: I are teh GreaTest nInja! And RamEn rulez!_

Reviews: 3

_Shygirl (loves Naruto!!): _...I don't get why you made Naruto-kun marry Sakura, and why did Hinata have to have such a sad relationship...with Kiba? Sorry, I would write more...but I have to get more tissues to dry my eyes out.

_rafiki20: _d00d u liek spellz soo bed liek uuse speel czech or somthin u knowz?...Seriously, only someone as dumb as Naruto could've written this! C'mon!

_Luigifreak: _Dude...you suck. Okay? Sorry for going Simon on you, but find another career or learn how to spell, dammit!

Sasuke chuckled a little at Naruto's reviews, but wondered who the first reviewer is...whoever wrote that seems familiar. No matter, he'd be heading out, but then, he saw the entire gang of Konoha 11 walk in. Every single person. Plus Tsunade, their jonin-senseis, and bunches of random people, for some strange reason. And their eyes were GLUED to the Sasunaru fanfic that Sasuke wrote a few minutes ago.

"Oh...fucking...shit," were the last words to come out of Sasuke's wide mouth.

_Cliffhanger! So, how did you people like this one? And who should write next? Once again, please leave more reviews for suggestions, ideas, and improvement, and thanks for reading!_


	3. Sakura's Fanfic: SHANNARO!

_Akamaru: Woof woof!_

_Kiba: Good boy, Akamaru!_

_Luigifreak:...Uh, what?_

_Kiba: Are you deaf?! Akamaru just said the disclaimer!_

_Luigifreak: Riight...Well, R&R please, people!  
_

**Chapter 3: SHANNARO! Sakura's fic**

_Note: Sorry, I had a request to do one for Kabuto next, but I'm afraid I'll have to cover some of the Konoha nin first._

Sasuke realized that everyone was staring at the embarrassing piece of writing that Sasuke typed up a few minutes ago, and he said, "Oh...fucking...shit!"

After everyone Sasuke knew was staring at him, wide-eyed, he said, "I-I-I can explain!"

Naruto, not having much of a clue, said, "Uh...Sasuke, are you gay or something? Because I'm not going out with you. Sick."

In his cramped, tearing mind, Sasuke thought, 'Naruto-kun...thinks...being...gay...is...sick?!", and he finally snapped.

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!" Sasuke screamed dramatically, charging a Chidori and shredding the window to pieces, jumping out of the building and landing on his head. "Ow..."

"Sasuke-kun! NO! I'll help you!" Sakura cried, running down the stairs and trying to tend to Sasuke, only making things worse, because everyone heard a scream of, "FANGIRL! Oh, Kami, why?!", and Sasuke slammed a Chidori right in his face, making him very, very bloody.

Two British men walking down the streets, one with a lightning-shaped scar on his forehead, and the other a redhead, saw Sasuke and one said in a heavy accent, "Oh, bloody lord! That bloody kid is bloody!"

The other continued, "Well, then, by the bloody lord, we shall get this bloody boy to the bloody hospital before he goes to bloody hell!", and the two ran off, carrying Sasuke.

Sakura crouched down, sobbing, and thought in her tears, "No! Sasuke-kun...I need some way to forget about this pain in my heart..."

Inner Sakura poked at Sakura and said, _"Well, maybe you should write the essay that Hokage-sama wanted everyone to write!"_

"Hm...but I don't know what to write about!" Sakura said out loud, before seeing Naruto, who waved with a goofy smile on his face, and said, "Yo, Sakura-chan!"

"NARUTO! THIS IS ALL YOUR FAULT!" Sakura yelled, before landing a hook on Naruto's jaw, sending him flying to a tree, where he got (temporarily) eaten by a fat raccoon.

"Wait, that's a great idea! I can write a fanfic about why I hit Naruto! And other people! CHA!" Sakura thought, grabbing a random laptop and typing on it.

**-Sakura's Fanfic/Oneshot-**

**Title: 20 Reasons for...Shannaro!**

**Rating: T for violence**

**Description: 20 hilarious explanations as to why Sakura hits people...hard! Except for Sasuke-kun! Pairings: Sasusaku, Sasusaku, and Sasusaku! If it's not Sasusaku, then I'll hit you! CHA!**

Disclaimer: I pretty much own Naruto, but not Sasuke...how sad.

-The 20 People I Punch-

1. Naruto: I hit him in the face every day because he's so annoying and doesn't stop calling me Sakura-chan or going googly-eyed over me! Black eyes are better than googly eyes, especially from that dumb orange nuisance! CHA!

2. Ino-pig: Because she's a bitchy McBitch that wants Sasuke! Only **I **deserve Sasuke! Ino can go out with Choji or something for all I care, but NOBODY messes with Sasuke-kun!

3. Kiba: Because he's almost as annoying as Naruto-baka and I'm personally against bestiality.

4. Hinata: Because what kind of freak loves Naruto anyway?! And her quiet jaw needs to move _sometimes_, you know!

5. Kakashi-sensei: He's late every damn day and isn't even as cool as Sasuke-kun! Only Sasuke-kun deserves to be late! And what about that smut he reads, huh?

6. Tenten: Because some stupid tools can't beat a good old-fashioned fist! Not to mention, she _is _a tool for Neji...

7. Neji: The only thing you're destined to be is punched in the face by yours truly!

8. Shino: Uh...because I wanna see how his face looks. Man, I'm running out of excuses...I mean explanations! Yeah...

9. Lee: He claims to love me, but is also having an affair with Gai-sensei...And look at those fuzzy eyebrows! They could block my punch anyway!

10: Uh...Captain Falcon: Because he stole and copyrighted what was gonna be MY line! FALCON PUNCH! Now I have to stick with that stupid "Shannaro" shit...

11. Choji: Maybe punching him will knock the fat outta that lard-ass...And you know what they say: Anyone over 100 pounds is a fatass!

12: Shikamaru: This is the ONLY way to make that lazy bum move. Trust me.

13. Orochimaru: Because he's a pedophile that tried to rape Sasuke-kun. ONLY I RAPE SASUKE-KUN!

14. Kabuto: Because he "works for" a pedophile that tried to rape Sasuke-kun.

15. Jiraiya: I'm such a hottie that he'll probably spy on me and use me for Icha-Icha once I'm 18...I hate being beautiful!

16. Naruto...again: Because I couldn't think of anyone else

17. Kurenai-sensei: She skimpily dresses...in toilet paper! And when they ran out and I needed to go to the bathroom, she said no!

18. 3rd Hokage: If you can't beat up a pedophile, you're shamelessly weak. It's like a law or something.

19. Gaara: I like practicing on him because once I get through his defenses, I can punch Naruto twice as hard!

20: Kankuro: Because he plays with dolls...(Kankuro: They're action figures! And puppets!), even though his dolls are pretty big and hard.

That's when Naruto ran up to me like the imbecile he is and blurted, "That's what she said!"

What he said broke the fuse right then and there. "SHANNARO!" I proudly yelled, punching and practically breaking the idiot's skull, and it seemed to make him smarter, because he said, "Sorry...I'll never ask you out again! Promise! Please...just don't kill me!" and ran to flirt on Hinata. (Which would obviously work, no duh!)

I smiled, everything being okay, but then I saw my true love, Sasuke-kun. For a moment, I was thinking of asking him out, but I already knew that would fail miserably, and I sought an alternate plan.

_-Later that evening, in a deserted bar-_

"Okay, girls! The Fangirl Club meeting starts now! Today, we shall discuss...the plan for raping Sasuke-kun!" a shadowy figure, supposedly the leader, said.

Some girls cheered, while the others uttered complaints such as, "No, I want Neji-kun!" or "Kiba's hotter!" and a particularly built girl yelled, "GO CHOJI-KUN!"

"No, no, and for the love of Kami, NO! We are raping Sasuke-kun today, and that is final!" the leader said again, while the girls finally agreed, "Fine."

"Now, here's the plan, all of you distract him, forcing him to run the opposite direction, then chase him. On the other side, Sakura Haruno, his worst fear, will be waiting, and he will be trapped between the two forces, ours to take! Any questions?" the leader finished, while the crowd of fangirls cheered for their lives.

The leader walked out and removed her mask, and pink hair was revealed! She...I was none other than the ravishing beauty, Sakura!

"Heh, everything according to plan! Stupid fangirls! HE'S MINE!" I yelled, heading to the designated meeting place.

_-9:00 PM, at a random street-_

Sasuke stood still, listening to the rustling wind and thinking about revenge, when he smelled something!

'Fangirls!' he thought, indeed sprinting for his virginity, and avoiding the townsmen. When he finally got to a dead end, he jumped and looked ahead, only to see his most avid fangirl.

"Sakura!" he yelled, dropping into a defensive stance. Just then, many shrill screams could be heard behind Sasuke, and all of the fangirls fell in a giant pit, all thanks to me, Sakura! The beautiful genius!

"You stupid bitch!" one of the idiot fangirls screamed, while I smirked at them, and Sasuke smelled with the sexy stench of fear. SEXY!

"Don't worry, Sasuke-kun, I'll make you feel good. Very good," I said, seductively, bringing his pants down, and I don't think the next part will be appropriate at all for a 12-year old to write, so I'll skip to the marriage. Sasuke-kun suddenly became straight after I was done with him because I'm so SEXY! Too sexy for my shirt! Yeah! Sasuke-kun and I had 96 children by the time we were 25 years old because we had 12 sets of octuplets because we are just THAT sexy! Oh, and Naruto and Hinata got married also, but who the hell cares about them? I'm just glad the idiot stopped bothering me.

**The End! A Very Sexy End!**

Sakura looked over her 'masterpiece' a few times, fixing a couple of spelling mistakes, and sent it through Fanfiction Net. Nobody in Konoha knew about her story, and for their sake, it better stay that way, because everyone will hate her (more) if it doesn't!

Meanwhile, in the Hokage's office, the ninjas were crowded over the computer, except a smiling Hinata who fainted due to reading a Naruhina lemon, and a bloodcurdling scream was heard.

"NO! Who the fuck would make me do THAT with Hinata-sama?! That's...not right!" a normally quiet Neji yelled, looking in shock, as he finished reading a...M-rated Nejihina.

"That is nothing! Gai-sensei and I may engage in manly hugs, but we would never participate in smut! We must protect our youth!" a shocked Lee yelled, reading a GaiLee.

"And dude, I would never do anything like that with Hinata! Ew!" Naruto commented on the same Naruhina mentioned a bit ago, and Kiba said, "Dude, not so loud! You might make Hinata cry!"

"Uh...why? She probably thinks that's gross, also!" Naruto replied, while Kiba just stood there, pondering for a decent excuse.

The loudest yell came from Jiraiya, in fetal position, sucking his thumb.

"I do not like Naruto...I do not like Naruto...I like women with sexy curves..." Jiraiya mentioned, after reading something only a pedophile would write. It was most likely the work of Orochimaru, but who knows?

Tsunade mentioned, "That is precisely why I chose this website! It is being corrupted, mostly with yaoi, incest, and pedophilia, things we will NEVER do! Your new mission now is official and mandatory, write a oneshot essay, otherwise known as a "fanfic", and submit it to the website! Make people read the TRUTH! Oh, and if anyone comments on the size of my breasts in any of these fanfics, you...will...regret it. Especially you, Jiraiya."

Jiraiya said, "Aw..." in despair, as everyone started thinking of something, just something to write as they scattered out of the office. Except Hinata, who was still out cold and happily thinking of her and Naruto in bed having se...-ahem!- I meant having chocolate-chip cookies! That's better!

_-In Konoha Hospital-_

Sasuke was getting rather tired of those bloody British men who were speaking in a bloody accent over the bloodied Sasuke, and he decided to read the reviews on his new fanfic.

_Author: Hn-Emo (Die, Itachi!)  
_

_Title: Hn._

Reviews: 4

_Dtecnokira: _Dude, that was awesome, I love Sasunaru! I really do hope they get married off in the canon, and this was much cleaner than Naruto's fic!

_Luigifreak: _...No, just no. A foursome?! 0.o

_Sasukes#1Fan: _Sasunaru?! Naruto should be punched in the face and it should be a Sasusaku! CHA!...I mean..yay?

_IgotsaLongSnake: _Hot, hot, hot! Can you pleeeease make a second chapter with an Orosasu? Thanks!

Sasuke had a blank look on the screen, his left eye twitching, as he was about to cry.

See Sasuke's reaction and the next fic, next chapter! And let me know what you think! Comments, ideas, compliments, constructive criticism, anything :P


	4. Kakashi's Fic: Icha Icha Hatake!

_Orochimaru: Ooh, ooh, pick me! I wanna do the disclaimer! I own Sasuke and his body! Yay!_

_Luigifreak: No you don't, so shut up, pedophile._

_Orochimaru: Hmph! But Luigifreak doesn't own Naruto either, so there! Ha!_

_Luigifreak: Whatever, just get away from me. I don't swing that way, bro. But please R&R :)_

**Chapter 4: Kakashi's Fic!**

Sasuke sat on his hospital bed with tears in his violated eyes, as he saw the review he got from_ IgotsaLongSnake,_ saying_ "Hot, hot, hot! Can you pleeeease make a second chapter with an Orosasu? Thanks!"_

That was when Sasuke finally snapped. Snapped like a sane man's mentality after one of Rock Lee's youth speeches. He was no longer the Avenger. He is...

The 1337 Haxor!

"Orosasu fics?! Is there such a thing?! DIE, OROSASU FICS, DIE!" Sasuke screamed in the screen, and with his hacking skills, he deleted all of the Orosasu fics written by 56-year old fat creeps that, while writing, touch their 'wangs', which are so microscopic that even Hinata could laugh at them! And when I say wangs, I don't exactly mean Chinese people.

_-Meanwhile, somewhere at an Internet cafe:-_

"NOOO!!" an old pedophile by the name of Gabe Wang said, the Wang being unable to whang his wang because the Orosasu fics were gone. By now, though, everyone should've grabbed some type of barf bag from the mention of Wangs, wangs, and whanging. Which is exactly what's going on in Kakashi's house...

"You're kidding...these fanfics are indeed redundant, smutty, and pointless. Kind of like Icha-Icha, but with less sexy ladies and more gayness...And who the hell would make me a pedophile...especially with that useless, stupid pink bitch," Kakashi muttered behind his mask, reading some of the nonsense couples centered around him, such as KakaIrus, KakaGais, and Kakasakus.

"You know what? Tsunade-sama even told us so, so I guess that means I will show them all the truth," Kakashi said coolly, typing into his PC's screen.

**Kakashi's Oneshot/Fanfic**

**Title: Why He's Late**

**Rating: K+ for minor sexual references...Hehehe (lol, this should be rated T or M or something :P)  
**

**Description: Sorry for the delayed fic, folks, but I got lost on the road of life. Heh, now this is about Kakashi, and why he's so late and why he's NOT a homosexual or a pedophile. Pairing: Kaka/Anko  
**

Disclaimer: C'mon, do I even need this? Of course I own Naruto, I'm his freaking sensei...

**-Around 13 years ago-**

My friend Obito was crushed...I let him down. I'm a worthless bastard! But in his dying moments, he said, "Hey...Kakashi...take this Sharingan eye...and also this."

"Hm? What's this?" Kakashi asked Obito, holding up a tiny orange book, as Rin yelled, "Landslide! We gotta escape!"

"Obito!" I yelled for my best friend.

"Luke...I am your father!" Obito replied, being delusional because half of his brain was crushed by a giant rock.

"NOOOO!! MY NAME'S NOT LUKE!!" I screamed, Rin tugging on me to escape.

Obito finished, "Ask...Jiraiya...sama...it holds great power," and was crushed by the rockslide.

**-Today-**

I was scarred in the past, and my idiotic brain-racking students aren't helping a bit. I signed the brats up for the Chunin Exams yesterday, only in the hopes that the useless, insulting mini-prostitute, Sakura, could be killed there without me being persecuted. It was worth my whole life. I just hate that girl so much...(A/N(from Kakashi): Kakashi will NEVER date Sakura, because even IF he was a pedophile, he wouldn't date such a bitch, so snap out of it, Kakasaku fans!)

Anyway, I woke up at 11 o'clock like always, even though I was already supposed to show up at Training Ground 42 ten minutes ago. Oh, well. I guess I'll just go now...

I walked out of my house, slowly, putting on my trademark mask so that no one could stare at my horribly large buck teeth. Then, as I was about to reach the training ground, I saw a cherry blossom tree, otherwise known as a Sakura tree. My hatred for Sakura was taking me over and I mindlessly kicked the tree for many minutes until it was pummeled to the point that it crashed down, and I yelled, "YES! Take that, Sakura!"

"Uh...Kakashi, are you going crazy again?" Jiraiya-sama, my fellow Master Pervert, asked.

"Oh...no, I was just thinking of someone I truly despise, and I was training off of it...Say, do you have the new issue of Icha-Icha Paradise out yet?" I asked, somewhat drooling.

"No, sorry, Kakashi...But if you want it so bad, maybe you can help me with some "research"!" he said back, and I immediately rushed to his side to stride to the hot tubs. Then, my eyes popped out. Someone with purple hair and a fishnet suit was taking off her clothes, and I seemingly sweated and blushed because Jiraiya asked, "Kakashi, you alright? That's just Anko..."

"Anko..." I said, my eyes literally glued to her hourglass figure, my pants exploding, and Jiraiya set me free, thinking, 'This could be the next bestseller!'

Before I went, Jiraiya requested, "C'mon, don't be such a sad-sack, ya gotta take your pants off also so that Anko can be turned on or something! Baka!"

Seeing the recent bulge obviously tearing my boxers apart, I asked, "Wouldn't that be a bit obvious? I do have a pretty big one..."

Jiraiya said again, "The only big thing you have is your stupid ego, and if ya wanna smack 'dat, you gotta get rid of your ego! Just be yourself, have fun, and try doing something hot!"

"Alright, alright," I nonchalantly said, hiding the blush I had reserved for Anko as I undressed behind a tree. She probably noticed me, though, because I barely dodged a kunai and a snake was already tying up my neck. 'Crap...' I thought, attempting to find a way to get out of this one...

"Kakashi? What are you doing here?" Anko asked, somewhat releasing the snake's grip.

"Uh...Helping Jiraiya-sama with some research," I replied, and I mentally smacked myself in the head for giving the worst answer possible.

Anko looked at something protruding from where my pants should be, and she asked flirtatiously, "Well, then...Can I help you two boys with your "_research_"?"

"R...Really? You'd...do that?" I asked her, nervous of what her answer would be.

"Yeah, I don't see why not. I'm still single and I think I'd like to add a new snake to my collection," Anko replied, continuing to eye my "snake".

"Well, then...let's go," I said, heading to the nearest spa with my new girlfriend, Anko, and Jiraiya was frantically scribbling in his notes, with a wide, blushing smile. After what seemed like hours, Jiraiya finished his new issue of Icha-Icha and it looks like I could love again. Anko-chan was definitely my soulmate. I saw this within the first minute, as we share the same..."hobbies."

"Hey, let's hang over at my place, Kakashi-kun," Anko asked.

"Alright...first, I have to pay my genin team...and a special friend a visit," I said calmly, running to no place in particular. It was then that I saw Obito's face right in front of his gravestone, and he said, "So, how are things going, Kaka?"

"Thank you...Obito. Thank you," I said, a tear streaming out of my eye, holding out the first book of Icha-Icha Paradise I recieved from my buddy. The book that changed my life. And I was still late and Naruto would throw a fit. I packed some instant ramen to avoid my impending doom, thanking my friend once more.

**-The End! To see the Uncensored Version,...well, you can't! Too bad!-**

"And that is the truth," Kakashi stated, pressing the "Submit" button and fantasizing his scenes with Anko in his head again. We...honestly don't want to know what happened after that. So skipping back to everyone else:

The four teenage kunoichi of Konoha were having another secret meeting, this time, at their laptop.

"What?! What stupid bitch wrote this?!" Tenten said, staring at a story called** 20 Reasons...for Shannaro!** by _Sasukes#1Fan._

"I have no idea...it seems VERY familiar and the girl who wrote this seems to have a large forehead. And the fact that this story's **about** Forehead Girl, but it's probably not her," Ino suggested.

"Heh...yeah," Sakura muttered nervously, and Hinata continued in an outburst, "I am **NOT** quiet!"

"Yeah, in front of some orange people, you definitely are!" Tenten playfully said.

"Don't even...Besides, who are you to talk if you have the hots for my weird cousin?" Hinata asked back, while Tenten shook her head and tried to suppress a blush.

"Well, I'm sure not a Bitchy McBitch!" Ino continued in anger, making a drop of sweat come off of Sakura.

"And I am NOT a tool!" Tenten finished, glaring at the screen.

"Perhaps we should send reviews to this writer to show our feelings for this offensive writing," Hinata suggested.

"Right!" the two girls that aren't Sakura said.

**-3 minutes Later-**

**Reviews for: 20 Reasons...for Shannaro!** by _Sasukes#1Fan._

Reviews: 5

_Shygirl (loves Naruto!): _I loved the side couple, but you treated Naruto-kun much more horribly than he deserved in this story! And Hinata's only quiet around Naruto, so shut it if you don't have your facts straight, you Sasusaku addict!

_WeaponsPanda(NEJI!!): _If your intention was to insult everyone that I know except Sakura and Sasuke, you have another thing coming...idiot bitch...

_Luigifreak: _I found most of your reasoning hilarious, yet idiotic. Plot's good, though.

_ExplosiveNoteNinja: _LOL...funny, but stop being so mean to Hinata-chan, whoever you are! Go Naruhina!

_NotaDumbBlonde: _Whoever wrote this has a giant forehead, because the dumber and bitchier you are, the bigger your forehead gets!

"No, actually, we have to rebel against this even more...so how 'bout we write our own fanfics?" Sakura suggested, trying to not blow her cover.

"Excellent idea for once, forehead!" Ino said, while Sakura clenched her fist and readied it. But Ino already ran to get her laptop when Sakura's fist slammed into the wall and Tenten blankly stared at Sakura, not thinking about anything in particular.

"Uh...so, see ya g-guys! I gotta make a lemon with Naruto-kun...I mean make lemonade for Naruto-kun...and Kiba...and Shino. So yeah, later!" Hinata said, jumping for the window, as Sakura sighed for relief...right before Lee showed up at her door! With YOUTH!...And some roses.

Meanwhile...At the Akatsuki Lair

"Welcome back...you snake bastard," the shady leader said in a monotone.

"Thank you..." Orochimaru answered, walking while holding hands with Kabuto, who looked disturbed.

"Whatever, we accept any evil, powerful people...Just don't do anything sexual, especially not with our youngest-looking member, Sasori, who I know you _would_ do it with anyway...sigh..." the leader demanded, and Orochimaru had the slightest tick on his face, at all of the pedophile stereotypes people had about him. 'We pedophiles don't do it with _every_ child we see...just the sexy Uchiha ones!' he thought in anger.

"Yeah, that's **not** my intention here. You see, my slave-base of fangirls and mentally retarded boys are mass-destroying a popular website named Fanfiction Net with many ridiculous stories such as lemon, yaoi, yuri, incest, pedo, rape, and Nejihina. However, now that Konoha's writing forces and the sane people are fighting back with their own legit fanfics, such as Naruhinas, Sasusakus, and Nejitens, we have no choice but to combine forces again," Orochimaru explained.

"I see...Then we truly have no other option. Fine. We will make the most disturbing fanfics ever! And we will take over the world with them by brainwashing the readers! Hahaha!!" Pain evilly laughed, as the Akatsuki readied themselves for some creative writing!

So, I guess I can finally do that Kabuto fic that people wanted...Or I could do Hinata...Sorry, that came out wrong. I meant her fanfic :D

Any suggestions and comments? And which fic should I choose?


	5. Hinata's Fanfic: Fluff or Smut?

_Luigifreak: Hey Lee, can ya do the disclaimer this time?_

_Lee: Sure, Luigi-san! Luigifreak does not own Naruto! Was that good, Gai-sensei?_

_Gai: No, Lee, you need to put in more youth! YOUTH!_

_Lee: Yes, Gai-sensei!_

_Gai: Quickly, we must cry and get out the sunset!_

_Luigifreak: How about you please shut up..._

_Gai: Never, we must uphold our youth! Dynamic Entry!_

_Luigifreak: Ow...I never saw that coming...YOUTH!_

**Chapter 5: H-H-Hinata's Fanfic!**

Last chapter, our favorite pedophile, Orochimaru, teamed up with the Akatsuki to write horrible fanfics that will brainwash Konoha and ruin it forever!...But no one cares about that for now. It's Konoha Time!

-In the Hyuga Compound-

Hinata literally stampeded home to start dreaming about Naruto-kun, thinking about Naruto-kun, loving Naruto-kun, and reading fanfics about her and Naruto-kun. But most of all, she was going to submit her first piece of literature to the eyes of the public! And normally, a Hyuga would be forced to write conservatively and artistically, like Shakespeare or some random dude with a mustache did, but as Hiashi wasn't there, Hinata basically didn't give a crap.

Hinata's Inner Pervert just kicked in. (Sorry, this idea was kinda implemented in the fic **What did Hinata just do?!**. If you want a good read with plenty of lemons and humor, this is a good bet.)

"_Heh...I guess we should look at more of these so-called M-rated Naruhina lemons and "test them out", ne? You know, maybe even "play" with ourself a litt.."_

"No! Get out! I...don't love Naruto-kun _that_ way! I'm too young!"

_"Oh, yes, you do! You love him in **every** way, whether you like it or not! Besides, I'm you, too!"_

"Yeah, but I don't want you invading my mind...stop disturbing me!"

_"I am the stronger one here, all perverts are! How else did Jiraiya win against Orochimaru? Jiraiya-sama was a straight-up pervert while Orochimaru liked little boys! C'mon, step into the game, will ya?"_

"No!"

_"Alright, your choice...not!" _'Inner' Hinata finished, leading her hand on the mouse and forcing her to search some...less-than-reserved fanfics about her and Naruto. Meanwhile, we will direct our focus outside this room and in Neji's, because this _is _a T-rated fanfic, after all.

Neji...had...his...Byakugan on! Oh, and of course, Hanabi was right next to him, seeing him drool uncontrollably over her wet hair, and she said, "...I don't wanna know," while storming out of the room with a look of utter disgust. Then, Hanabi rushed to her elder sister's room to check up on her, and as soon as she opened the door...

"Whoa, that's more of my sister than I ever needed to see in my lifetime..." Hanabi muttered, screwing up her face after seeing Hinata do something that _really_ shouldn't be in a T-rated fic.

Hinata coughed faintly, "Hanabi...y-you...must...help me. It's taking me over."

"Okay, _what's_ taking you over?" Hanabi asked, still confused, and Hinata explained the whole situation the way someone would to an 8-year old, replacing the words "perverted" and "sex" with something like "obsessed" and "what people do after they're married."

"So...your 'alter ego' is obsessed over fanfics about you and Naruto doing stuff that people do after they're married...Like what? Kissing? And what the hell's a lemon?" Hanabi asked her sister.

"Trust me, you d-don't wanna know...yet," a blushing Hinata said, her perverted side still thinking about her and Naruto doing...stuff...and Hanabi, being the genius she is, made hand signs and said, _"Eight Trigram Sealing Style: Forbidden Exorcism Jutsu!"_

Perverted Hinata flew out of her body, yelling sexual obscenities that would make this an M-rated fic, so Hanabi conveniently belched after drinking a whole gallon of Coca-Cola. Then, she asked Hinata, "Uh...why was your other soul obsessed with organisms, sects, a nail, male chickens, your cat, and Naruto's member? Does Naruto have some kind of secret cult or something? Because I wanna be a member! It'll be better than ANBU!" (A/N: Man, these are such horrible jokes :D)

Hinata promptly fainted.

As Hanabi walked out, still befuddled, Neji sneaked in and said, "Sigh...that's Fainting Number 2,148...I guess I can't stop my addiction for Hinata-sama now. Byakugan!" while continuously staring at Hinata, and for the inconvenience of the whole perverted Hyuga family, Hiashi also installed hidden cameras in every room.

For some reason, Sakura and Naruto decided to pay the Hyugas a visit, and they both went to Hinata's room, finding her out cold and Neji drooling on the floor.

"...Nice place. Uh...Neji? Neji?! LISTEN, YOU BAKA! SHANNARO!" Sakura screamed, knocking Neji out, also, and she thought, 'Hm...I'm already pissed, might as well go for one more! CHA!'

Sakura punched Naruto in the back of the head, knocking him off-balance, and Naruto frantically reached for anything that could break his fall. He ended up with his lips somehow touching Hinata's, and his hands broke his fall by landing on two large, soft landing pads.

"Wait, these aren't landing pads!" Naruto yelled, letting go of...wherever he held Hinata, and scurried out of the window for his life.

"If she finds out, tell her I said sorry!" Naruto said, sprinting with a blush, a nosebleed, and a sudden need to go to the bathroom.

"Those two will make a good couple," Sakura quietly remarked, smiling and relieved, and she dragged Neji to his room, leaving the younger Hyuga alone, and she soon stirred from her slumber, tasting ramen in her mouth.

"Could it be...Naruto-kun? No way...Oh, well, at least my perverted side's gone, time to make that fanfic Tsunade-sama told us to write," she muttered, thinking about all of the possible romantic fiascoes she and Naruto could get in...

**Hinata's Oneshot/Fanfic**

**Title: Destiny Sucks!**

**Rating: K+**

**Description: Always a failure, always hideous**(A/N: SO not true :P)**, she could never experience love. Neji only made matters worse. However, when his girlfriend, Tenten, helps out, maybe destiny can be changed. Naruhina.**

Ever since my mother died, no one was there to stop my father from abusing me.

No one cares about me.

Ever since I said I liked Naruto better than that narcissistic, arrogant moron, Sasuke, the infamous Fangirl Club of Konoha beat me with sticks after training every day.

Everyone hates me.

Ever since I loved Naruto, five years ago, I've never had the courage to go tell him, and Neji nii-san keeps telling me that there is no hope and that I will be in an arranged marriage with him.

Naruto-kun doesn't love me.

Thirteen years of suffering and pain, and I doubt it will change today. I decide to take a stroll down to Ichiraku's Ramen Shop, but I already know I will never be brave enough to go in and see Naruto-kun...I know that because I'm _destined_ to.

"Hinata-sama, what are you doing out here? You know well enough that _proper_ Hyuga heiresses don't indulge on lowly foods such as ramen," Neji said, butting into my thoughts.

"I..I..."

"Or maybe it wasn't lowly trash food you were looking for...Maybe it was a lowly trash person...orange jumpsuit, perhaps?" Neji continued.

"S-Stop it, it's none of you business, nii-san!" I burst out, not wanting to hear another insult from him.

"You and I both know that Naruto is _destined_ to love and marry Sakura-san, and that he will never fall for you. Accept your defeat and come with me now, and maybe I won't be so hard on you!" he cruelly spat.

"N-No...I'll never marry anyone like you! Never!" I spat back, hoping to convince him otherwise, but he just smirked.

"Otou-san wouldn't like that, would he?" Neji asked me harshly, and I thought, 'Oh, no, he wouldn't!'

I just froze. Like a bottle of water on a winter day. Then, the curtains in the ramen shop opened and a figure dressed in orange jumped out. I melted. Like a popsicle on a summer day.

"What's up, Hinata? _Neji?..._" Naruto yelled out, glaring at my cousin, the way I always want to glare at him, for all the deceit and hatred he gave me. That's why I love Naruto-kun. Not only does he look stunning in orange, and not only does he have those ridiculously cute whiskers, he's also honest, confident, and stands up for himself. He stands up for what's right even when the odds are zero. Maybe I should too...maybe I should tell him that I love him...no, it'll never work!

'Come on...say something,' I kept thinking, while still blushing, and nothing came out of my mouth. Absolutely nothing. I'm such an idiot...

"Well, I guess ya don't wanna talk...see ya, Hinata! Now I'm gonna say hi to Sakura-chan!" Naruto yelled, running off in the distance.

'Pfft...Sakura-_chan_, eh? What does she have that I don't...probably confidence. And looks. And everything...' I thought, depressed, and I would've cried myself to bed again, but as I walked home, I saw a couple of kunai come at me but miss horribly.

"H-Hello? Who's there? Your aim sucks, by the way!" I called out to the rustling bush, and a figure jumped out, bearing two buns on her hair.

"My aim does NOT suck, I was just trying to miss!" an angry voice yelled, revealing itself to be Tenten.

"Oh...it's y-you. What's up?" I quietly replied.

"Meh, not much. But I did break up with Neji a few minutes ago, just to let ya know..." Tenten told me.

"Really? B-But why?"

"I just happened him to see him being a complete asshole to you, and he told me he would stop...You don't deserve to be treated that badly by your own cousin every day, Hinata, ya gotta know that!...Oh, and he wants to marry you and not me, so that's another reason."

"I'm sorry...But...Every s-single word of it is true! Naruto-kun will never love me!" I sadly said, earning a horrified look from Tenten, and I asked, "What?"

"Wow...Neji messed you up more than I thought. You know what? I'll bet you that you _can_ date Naruto within the next 24 hours!" Tenten said.

"24 hours?!" I panicked, thinking that this may be too soon.

"Yup. If this doesn't work, I'll be your servant for the whole day!...Not that you'll do much. But if he does go out with you, we give Neji a couple of wedgies!" Tenten replied to me, and I felt so confused...If I give Neji a wedgie (Hey, that rhymes!), he'll surely tell Otou-san, who'll probably try to kill me...but I still get to go out with Naruto-kun and get my revenge!

"...You're on!" I said, nervous but excited for what would happen very soon. I wonder where Tenten would go with this...

"Okay, then! Here's the plan!" she told me and whispered something into my ear.

**-3.1415 Hours Later at Ichiraku's-**

A pink-haired girl walked into the bar to find Naruto, like always, who was slurping down his tenth bowl. The pink-haired girl sat next to him and said, "Um...N-Naruto-kun...I mean Naruto, we have to train today..."

"Sakura-chan? You haven't hit me yet and you sound exactly like Hinata! Not like it's a bad thing, but what happened?" the yellow-haired boy asked with an inquisitive face, and "Sakura" blushed a little after hearing that statement.

Then, a small sound from "Sakura's" pants said, "Give some kind of excuse and hit him on the head! Over!"

"Sakura" replied quietly, "Psst...You're too loud...and I don't want to hit Naruto-kun on the head! Over!"

"Uh...Sakura-chan, is that a radio or something? And how come you _still_ haven't hit me on the head?!" Naruto asked.

"N-No...And you don't deserve to be hit like that...All the p-pain you normally go through is enough. You're a good person, Naruto-kun, and I respect that...eep!" "Sakura" said, forgetting to drop the suffix.

"You aren't supposed to be nice to him yet! It's too suspicious! Over!" the small voice in her pants said again.

"Sakura-chan...you're so much nicer than usual! But why?! Is this another trick to get me pounded in the end?" Naruto asked "Sakura" again, and she shook her head "no", saying, "I can't stand to s-see you hurt!...Uh, let's start training!", and she thought, _"Damn!"_

"Alright then, Sakura-chan!" Naruto finished, as they both ran to Training Ground 42, where all things get answered, and Naruto grabbed my...I mean "Sakura's"...Okay, you probably figured out by now. He grabbed my hand, still thinking I was Sakura, and I flushed rather quickly and smiled, even if he didn't know that I was me. That was part of the plan.

Tenten watched me from the trees and she asked over the radio, "Hey, act a little more like Sakura! A bit meaner and headstrong, ya know? Over," but Naruto noticed something in the tree and threw a kunai at it. It barely missed Tenten, who fell and landed on a misplaced senbon needle. She quickly sprang up and ran, saying, "You're on your own!"

"Tenten!" I yelled, but Naruto somehow didn't notice Tenten falling, and said, "Uh...Tenten? Where? I wanna make this moment special, just you and me, Sakura-chan!"

For some strange reason, I felt this anger I never felt before, not directed at Naruto-kun, but at Sakura...and Neji...All the people who made my life miserable. I burst out, "Sakura-chan this, Sakura-chan that! What's she ever done for you?! She's always mean to you and she always punches you around! She treats you like a human punching bag, someone who's useless! And you're not! You mean much more than that! I can't believe how you're taking this..._crap_ from her!"

"Uh...what are you saying about yourself, Sakura-chan? Are you bipolar? And why do you talk about yourself in third-person?" Naruto asked, completely confused.

"I...I...I'm not Sakura," I murmured, feeling tears well up in my eyes, just for yelling at Naruto.

"Then who the hell are you?! Are you an assassin? Because if you are, I'll kick your ass!" Naruto yelled. "Reveal yourself!"

I don't have the slightest idea why. I just started crying as my contacts fell off, and it revealed my large, lavender Hyuga eyes. _My big, ugly eyes._

"Uh...Neji? Hiashi?...Hanabi?!" Naruto said in disbelief.

That was when I took off the rest of the mask and costume Tenten made me, and I had nothing on except a T-shirt and some old shorts.

"Kiba? Shino? Kurenai-sensei? Sasuke-teme? Kakashi-sensei? Asuma-sensei? Shikamaru? Ino? Itachi? Dane Cook?" Naruto asked me, and I mentally slapped myself in the head for falling in love with such a...slow guy. I would've giggled, too, but my tears forbade me.

Then, Naruto's head sparked a thought. 'Wait a minute...Only Hinata would be that nice to me...ever since I met the fake Sakura, she seemed overly nice! ...And stuttered a little. It's actually...cute.'

"Hinata?!" Naruto asked me, and I sheepishly nodded, poking my index fingers together...He must think that I'm a 7-year old, doing that...but did I see a blush on Naruto-kun's face? Nah...

I closed my eyes for two seconds, trying to stop the tears and face my imminent rejection...my _destiny_, as Neji nii-san calls it...But I felt something warm. I open my eyes to see orange all over! Did Naruto-kun...just...hug me?!

"Well, see, Hinata...chan," he started, with me blushing at how he used my name... "In the last 42 seconds, I realized...how much of a wonderful person you are, even...especially compared to Sakura-cha...screw it. I never really noticed you much before, and I'm sorry...for being so selfish, but you know how I always notice Sakura, right? Well, she...I had an illusion that she was nice to me, despite all of the things she does to me...And seeing you as Sakura, with your personality, I saw the perfect girl. Only...it wasn't her, it was you! I realized today how I got so overcome with looks that I forgot what's important...what's inside. Not that you don't have good looks...I mean...wow," Naruto finished, looking at my figure without that heavy jacket on. Really, I didn't think it was bad, but Naruto-kun's eyes were gaping! I think I even see a little nosebleed!

Then, I decided to pop the question, after all, hoping for the best. "N-Naruto-kun...does that mean..."

"Yup! We're now boyfriend and girlfriend, and we'll have so much fun! That is...if you like me, Hinata-chan."

I stood straight, trying my best to not stutter..."I don't like you, Naruto-kun," I said, saddening him a little. But we would both be shocked at what I said next.

"I love you."

Naruto still held me in a warm embrace, and I had to struggle with my mind to not faint...Naruto finally let out, "I really hope you're not kidding...Because I love you, too."

He...loves...me...

I knew that after those words, I would have Neji nii-san, Father, the entire Hyuga Clan, and other people to deal with. But I didn't care...everything's fine now...as long as Naruto-kun...loves me.

With those words, I fainted on Naruto's shoulder, but not before thinking four words.

Destiny _is_ a lie.

**-The End!-**

Hinata submitted her entry, thinking in her head, 'Wait...did I make Naruto-kun too smart at the end?...He seriously would never fall for someone like me.'

A small voice right outside Hinata's window said, "Always believe in the Force...and may the Force be with you. Ask out Naruto..."

"Eek! Shino-kun!" Hinata screamed, afraid that he would've already looked at her fanfic...But Shino was never one to berate things. If he ever said anything, they were always words of encouragement. He was like the quiet brother of Hinata that she never had.

**-Back at Sakura's House-**

"Sakura-chan! I have come to indulge in your youth and beauty! And a ham sandwich, if you don't mind..." Lee said, staring at Sakura with hearts in her eyes, right at her door.

"Ugh...Lee, don't do that again!...Well, I have no company right now, so come in or whatever...just don't touch me," Sakura strictly said at Lee, who replied, "Yes, ma'am! Youth!", and charged in, crushing Sakura's furniture with his immense speed, and she blankly looked at Lee, then decided to look at a random fanfic of her sensei, just for fun.

**Reviews for...Icha Icha Hatake by _LateSharinganz!_**

Reviews: 2

Luigifreak: Wow...that's definitely not K+ material...

IgotsaBigSnake: Sweet, I love big snakes! Show me more! Especially 14 years old and under! (Guess who that is...)

Sakura was disgusted at this fanfic, and also decided to write a review:

Sasukes#1Fan: EW! Sick perv! I bet Jiraiya-sama wrote this or something...gross!

_Sorry, I didn't have enough time to write a long note in the end, but let me know what you think! Also, there's a poll in my profile about who's fanfic you want next! Until next time! R&R :P_


	6. Kabuto's Fic: Launch Operation Akatsuki!

_Luigifreak: The disclaimer is redundant, bland, and boring, just like Shino, so he should do it this time!_

_Shino: Asstard...The asstard here does not have possession of Naruto._

_Luigifreak: I concur._

_Shino: Please discontinue your imitation of my speech, asstard._

_Luigifreak:...Ok, you scare me anyways...-shudders-_

_Shino: That's it! I'm gonna bug you!_

_Luigifreak: Heh...bug...heh...Wait...OW! That stings! Geez!...Not there! Wah! R&R!  
_

**Chapter 6: Akatsuki's Evil Plan; Kabuto's Fanfic!**

Before Sakura logged off of her computer, she decided to search for stories of her in them, and she came across one called Is It Really Better This Way? by _Invaderweb _that had over 500 reviews, so she gave this one a shot...(lol for advertising, and yes, it's a real story.)

It was about her training with Gai's team and slowly falling in love with Lee...Sakura quickly readied herself with a barf bag that she normally uses after seeing Naruto, but surprisingly, nothing came out as she began to get attached to this story! 'Would Lee-san...really be like that? And is my Sasuke-kun that much of an arrogant ass?...Nah, I bet it's an over-exaggeration, but I guess I'll keep this on my Story Alert list...' Sakura thought, as she logged off for real this time.

That's when Lee barged into her room and said, "Sakura-chan, may we share the Ham Sandwich of Youth that I made you with my special recipe? Please?"

"Ew! No, not your cooking!" Sakura bursted, and she heard her stomach grumble rather loudly, knocking over a picture of Sasuke and shattering the glass. "Okay, maybe a few bites..." she replied, and an ecstatic Lee yelled, "Excellent!", handing her half of his sandwich. Sakura reached over slowly, dreading the future taste as she took the tiniest bite.

The ham sandwich had Lee's Special Mayo of Youth. (Don't ask me where he gets it...) Sakura was never the same again.

"Lee-san! These sandwiches truly are youthful! They're probably better than anything Sasuke-kun could probably cook, and he'd never cook for me! Not even a tomato! Wait...did I just compare YOU to Sasuke-kun...and YOU were BETTER than him?! Holy...crap," Sakura bursted out. Lee gave a slight blush, going into his nice-guy pose and sticking his thumb up.

"Anything you want, Sakura-chan, I will try my hardest to do! Because that is my nindo of youth! To love and protect you forever, Sasuke-san or not!" Lee proudly said, and the slightest trace of a pink blush also escaped Sakura's face, hidden in all of the pink hair.

**-Meanwhile, at the Akatsuki HQ-**

"Where's my fucking paycheck, yo?" Kakuzu asked Pain, who was more and more angered with each word from the Akatsuki.

"I'm such a good boy!" Tobi screamed.

"Give me a 13-year old boy NOW! Can't you see I'm sexually frustrated?!" Orochimaru yelled.

"I'm immortal, bitches, so I can talk shit whenever I want, douchebag!" Hidan announced to Pain.

"Hn," an annoyed Itachi grumbled.

"Pain-kun, can you go out with me? Please? Please?" Konan flirted.

"You have...boobs, and they're small," Sasori said to Deidara.

"I do NOT have boobs! I'm a guy, un! And shut up, they're 32-D! A work of art! Bang!...Shit...un," Deidara retaliated.

"I still want my paycheck!" Kakuzu said, and Pain had the last straw. In his mouth, and he was drinking some Diet Dr. Pepper to keep up his good gangsta' looks. But he was pretty pissed off.

**"SHUT THE HELL UP!" **Pain screeched in a mad attempt to stop the madness. When Kisame opened his mouth to oppose, Pain smacked him on the head with a rubber glove, which resulted in Kisame saying, "That's not nice! Mommy!"

Pain was under pressure, already behind schedule to take over Konoha, and yelled, "If you don't want your asses fired...Except Kakuzu, he just gets no money, then start making horrible, disgusting fanfics, preferably taboo pairings! And nothing with me in it as an asshole, got it?!", making Kakuzu shudder at the thought of no money, and everyone fearfully nodded. Kabuto was the first to hatch an Orochimaru...I mean an idea, and he got to work...with Orochimaru. I mean the fanfic.

'Hehehe...' Kabuto's brain plotted, as it fired M-rated ideas all over.

**Kabuto's Oneshot/Fanfic**

**Name: My Master and His Great, Long Snake**

**Rating: M** (A/N from me: Okay, fine, it's a T)

**Description: Kabuto wants to suck _on_ his master, but that little suck-_up, _Sasuke, acts so great just because he is an Uchiha. Big Deal. Orochimaru finds his true love. Who? OroKabu.**

I was a lonely lil' boy in them damn streets wit' all dem muthafuckas. Wait, why am I talkin' all gangsta? Oh, well. Anyway, that was before an old man with black hair and makeup took my pants off with his snake and took me to his home. I could finally be uplifted from this urban hell, and I was forever grateful.

He told me his name was Orochimaru and that he would be my best friend forever. He had plenty of other little boys as friends, so why would he want me? And why would he want little boys? I don't care, as long as I was happy and I could sleep with Oro's pet snake every day. Things became even better when he forced me to call him 'Master'.

I would be allowed to touch Master's pet snake every day, and sometimes, it would spit something at me, which I loved the taste of. I even make waffles with it sometimes, even though Master refuses to eat it. That's why I share it with my 9-year old buddy, Kimimaro. His bones are so gigantic, if you get what I mean. We loved playing around, especially if Master could join. Master also taught me every healing jutsu he knew, and I got better and better every day. When his pet snake hurt me too much, I would thankfully use one of his healing jutsus, if he would allow it. I always loved Master Orochimaru and I always will.

But that was 7 long years ago.

A week ago, Master started being obsessed with capturing that damn Uchiha. That idiot Sasuke. What does he have that I don't have?...Let me guess, youth, since my Master _is_ a pedophile, as hard as it is to admit. He didn't let me see his snake for the past year...only Manda, and he was too big for me, ne?

Because of that stupid Sasuke, Master would never accept me for what I once was. His lover. At the Chunin Exams, when we were about to commence our super-evil invasion of DOOM, I was secretly watching the preliminaries...And I saw poor Hinata get hurt by that long-haired crossdressing hippie, just because what she strives for is the same as what I strive for. Acceptance by the one we love. That stupid Naruto kid was ignoring her UNTIL the prelims, where he encouraged her to get the living shit beaten out of her...Hell, if it weren't for me, she could've died...I'm such a good person...Wait...be right back, I have to wash some sobs.

Well, back to my life. So...if youth is what Master wanted, I just had to go to the Masters of Youth of Konoha! Maito Gai and Rock Lee...I hear these people are weird, but I doubt they're _that_ bad...

-**2 Hours Later-**

"SHUTUPSHUTUPSHUTUP!" I screamed at the Green Beasts of Konoha...'Too...Much...Youth...and...sunsets...' I thought, before coming close to fainting. These guys were seriously crazy! And I thought Orochimaru and I were the craziest man-boy partners in the NAMBLA..._(A/N from Kabuto: North American Man/Boy Love Association...heh, it has 'ass' in it...)_

Gai started, "Not until you learn the lesson of YOUTH!" and Lee said, "Yes, now we must do 300 push ups to increase our Youth Experience Points and if we fail, our HP will be at 400 and we will have to do 600 squats!"

I answered, "Can't we just use MP?" (This idea was somewhat from a Flash I saw, but I forgot which)

"Well...Lee doesn't have MP," Gai answered, and I was shocked in horror. "Yes, Lee was born without MP, but we trained hard every day and hax0red to get many Experience Points and Strength, and now, Lee's Strength points are over 9000!"

"That is right, Gai-sensei! Because even without MP, I want to be the greatest level in this MMORPG! And now we will have even more youth and experience points!", and I shuddered at the thought, as I would have to level up twice every day to keep up with those Red-Bull chugging freaks...

I made my way back into Orochimaru's room, knowing that I would never see his lovely pet snake again...I thought about killing myself right then and there, because what's the point of life if you don't get to touch Master's snake? But then, I reached into my pocket to pull out a kunai, and instead found a vial of blue liquid! It said, '_Gai and Lee's Medicine of Youth...Warning: Do not use if your master is not a pedophile.'_

Well, I passed the warning, and thought, 'Well...what's to lose?' and took a swig of the medicine. I felt horrible, like an emo, and I had a sudden urge to kill Itachi Uchiha! But then...Master came in the room, seeing me coughing, and said, "Wow...Kabuto...you look...different! So radiant! So brilliant! So...HAWT!", sending me flying hearts, and I looked in the mirror, to see me looking exactly like that bastard Sasuke-teme!

Orochimaru-sama then told me, "...Wanna touch my snake in Neverland, little boy?"

I was happy again. I always want to be a little boy, just for my Master.

**END!**

Pain finished looking over the newly-written fanfic and said, "Heh...that IS repulsive, Kabuto! Nice job!"

"Hey! It's beautiful!" Kabuto said, and Orochimaru and Itachi also looked at the fic. When they were done, Orochimaru commented, "Meh...Decent, but I want an Orosasu! NOW!", putting Kabuto's shiny white hair in angry flames.

Itachi then sneered and threatened, "...You are a disgrace. I may kill you for this," seeing his name in this completely whacked-out fic. Pain finally sent it through the World-Wide Web, waiting for fangirls to squeal and Narutards to grab their barf bags!

"At last! Our evil will be respected once more because I am GOD!! Or Buddha, Yahweh, Chukwu, Kami, the Nonexistent God of Atheism, the Flying Spaghetti Monster, Chuck Norris, whatever god you wanna refer to me as...geez.

**-Back at Konoha-**

Naruto finished yet another bowl of ramen at Ichiraku's, and Teuchi came out, panicking. "Naruto, don't kill yourself! That's enough for the day! But..." he finished, pulling out his laptop, showing Naruto a story from Fanfiction dot Net about him and Hinata, and the old ramen-cook asked, "Hey, why don't you give this a read and tell me if it's good?"

Naruto replied, "Eh...I dunno. It's not a Narusaku...And I only like Narusakus! No offense to Hinata or anything, she's better than Ino...who hit me in the head this morning...ow..."

"C'mon, why don't ya give this a shot, eh, kid? You might like it!" Teuchi encouraged, and Naruto muttered, "Fine...", seeing Teuchi walking away with a smug smile. 'I can't help it, those two really should be together! Opposites attract, after all! Besides, who'll make the guy food after I'm gone? Ayame? She still can't make my Super-Miso of Awesomeness...', Teuchi thought as Naruto started reading.

Naruto started frowning, thinking, 'Did I _really_ put Hinata through all of that? Even though this is a fanfic and might not be true? And...was her life really _that_ hard? I never noticed...I guess I was busy staring at Sakura-chan...'

Naruto read some more lines, and then thought, 'Holy crap, I'm so stupid! Sakura-chan's _that_ mean to me?! How can I be so clueless?...Maybe I don't wanna date her anymore, she'll beat the shit outta me anyway...'

He then started crying as he read the last lines...'She _loves_ me?!...Is this real?! C'mon, it sounds like bullcrap...Man, I gotta ask Shika about this, he might actually be not-lazy enough to answer this time, and the fool knows everything! But...what a beautiful story, even if it might be fake...I guess I'll review...'

**Reviews for: Destiny Sucks! by _Shygirl (loves Naruto!)_**

Reviews: 8

_racergirl936: _Awesome! Hinata so deserves this! Nice job!

_BoogiePopShippuden: _Sweet fic, make another!

_Luigifreak: _First fic in a long time that wasn't horrendous...-Cough.Ramenninja.Cough-...This was actually really good! Keep it up!

_Ramenninja: _Hey, shut it, Luigi-teme! But...it's...really cute. And I'm a MAJOR Narusaku fan, but...maybe I...I mean _Naruto_ should give Hinata a chance...Maybe.

_IgotsaBigSnake: _EW! This has no man-boy love, only teen love! This sickens me! I report u cuz u got no pedophilia!

_Toolazytomakeupaname: _lol, so true...nice. too bad narutos too much of a dunce to realize shit. this fic actually wasnt troublesome and was worth my time, thanks!

_Don'tBugMe: _Kiba will most likely despise this fanfic, however, I found it highly intriguing. Adequate piece of literature. Logical and to the point.

_Sasukes#1Fan: _This should SO happen, but stop dissing me!

_Watch as the romance (might) unfold between Naruto and Hinata...and Lee and Sakura! And Orochimaru and Sasuke!...Or not. Don't get too hopeful, 56-year old boy lovers! Meanwhile, please leave anything that might be benefit! Constructive criticism, comments, suggestions, anything :)_

_Until next time! (And I have 2 projects at the same time, so it might be a LOONG time.)_


	7. Lee's Fanfic of Youth!

_Luigifreak: Hey Tobi, I'll say you're a good boy if you say the disclaimer!_

_Tobi: Okay! Luigifreak does not own Naruto! Am I a good boy now? Am I? Am I?_

_Luigifreak:...No._

_Tobi: WAAAHHH! YOU PROMISED! -Turns on Mangekyo Sharingan-_

_Luigifreak: Okay, you're a good boy! Calm down!_

_Tobi: Yay! I am such a good boy!_

_Luigifreak: Wow...Well, I think I'll go against all of your Gaara-fic wanting wishes and make a Leefic instead! Hey, it was third place! :)_

**Chapter 7: Lee's Fanfic of Youth!**

At Sakura's house, Sakura just finished Lee's delicious Ham Sandwich of Youth and gave a jolly burp, blushing in embarrassment and said, "Thank you...that was really delicious, Lee-kun.", while realizing, 'Holy...did I just call that bowl-head Lee-_kun?_ ...And what's worse, I want to do it again!'

Lee also noticed the sudden change in Sakura's words and said, "Thank you, Sakura-chan! Now I am finally youthful enough to earn your respect! I will train my hardest to earn your love later, but for now, I must train with Gai-sensei! Farewell!", and started running off, but Sakura grabbed Lee's arm quickly and said, "Make sure you come back tomorrow...Bye, Lee-kun."

'Wait, what am I thinking?...Damn, I gotta see Sasuke-kun and straighten things out...' Sakura thought, smiling and frowning simultaneously, watching Lee run off into the distance.

**-At the Training Ground of Youth (aka Training Ground -137)-**

"Lee!"

"Gai-sensei!"

"LEE!"

"Gai-sensei!"

"**LEE!"**

**"GAI-SENSEI!"**

Lee and Gai sprung into a hug and started hugging under a giant sunset, and as Neji rolled his eyes, Tenten asked, "...Why can't we do that?"

"Because it's plain idiotic and we don't want to make a fool out of ourselves..." Neji answered.

"Touche," Tenten said, and Gai smacked both of them on the head.

"Ow! What was that for?!" Neji angrily asked his sensei, who replied in an Asian accent,

"You rack a disciprine!...I mean you don't have the flames of youth!"

"What about me, Gai-sensei? Do I not get a hit in the head too? Please? Please?!" Lee asked.

"No, Lee, for you do have the undying flames of youth!" Gai answered, and Lee started to dramatically sob tears. Gai seemed distracted by this, and Neji took this opportunity to sneak out with Tenten, leaving the two green men alone.

Gai noticed the disappearance and looked disappointed, but asked his favorite student, "Lee, you know how a shinobi should always take every task as early as possible, right? Well, you should get started on the fanfic that Tsunade-sama requested! And make it youthful!"

"Do not worry, Gai-sensei, I am already done! I wrote my essay...fanfic...thing when I was running here after I went to Sakura-chan's house!" Lee answered in a military pose, and Gai gawked.

"You wrote a fanfic...that fast?! Let me see that," Gai requested, and snatched Lee's paper, seeing very sloppy writing that screamed "YOUTH!!" at him, which appeased him, as he gave Lee the nice-guy pose. It took hours before Gai read the actual paper instead of ranting about how youthful Lee is, but Lee waited patiently for Gai to finally give his word.

**Lee's Fanfic/Oneshot**

**Title: Through the Fire and Flames (of Youth!)**

**Rating: K+**

**Description: A greenie without chakra, the Master of Green, and a pink-haired beauty. How will things end up? Will the years of hard work pay off? LeeSaku because it is a youthful pairing!**

When I was a little boy, I could not do ninjutsu or genjutsu, and barely any taijutsu. A man with long black hair and makeup asked if I wanted to touch his snake. I said no and he cried. I wonder what that was about. But ever since the Uchiha Clan has been killed, Sasuke-san and the Lee clan have been major rivals. Everyone in our clan was a worthy ninja! Everyone except for me...Since we do not have chakra, our clan's kekkei genkai, or special technique, is being invincible like a rock. Ironically, I was named Rock Lee but I do not have that invincibility, making me pathetic in Sasuke-san's eyes.

And...also Sakura-chan's.

See, both of my brothers are already married and one of them are only 15 years old! My older brother is Jock Lee and my younger kin is Sock Lee. I cannot believe how Sock Lee woos women when he is so smelly, when I cannot get the love of the beautiful Sakura-chan, even with all of my effort! But alas! I have been saying this rant out loud and rather loudly, or at least, that is what Neji-san tells me, because he just Gentle-Fisted me (A/N: Don't take that the wrong way...)to a tree! And I thought it was _Gentle_ Fist...ow...

"It's Jyuken, bitch!" Neji started off, and continued, "Your griping is getting to be irritating, so I'll make you a little deal...If I get you to date Sakura...Then you must get me and Hinata-sama together, stop that annoying complaining of yours...and NEVER say "Youth" again!"

"Deal!" I shouted, willing to do anything for the love of my Sakura-chan. "And if this does not work, I will do 1000 push ups! But first, 200 kicks!" I announced, but Neji reasoned, "We don't have _time_ to do 200 kicks, I need to kiss Hinata...I mean _we _need _you_ to date _Sakura._ Sorry, I coughed," Neji said while spitting out an obviously fake cough of youth!

"Okay, then, I will make it up with 500 sit-ups later! Yosh!" I screamed, heading to Sakura-chan's house of youthfulness while Neji thought, 'That guy is insane...'

Neji knocked on Sakura-chan's door, ignoring my excitement, and Sakura-chan ran out, yelling, "Sasuke-kun!...Wait, it's just you two.."

"What of it?" Neji threatened, and she answered, "Nothing..."

I stepped up and said, "Yosh! My beautiful flower, Sakura-chan, would you...spend a night with me?" (A/N: Do not take this the wrong way, either! Yosh!)

Sakura-chan yelled in anger and said back, "No, you idiot, go out with your weird sensei or something! The only way I would date you is if you beat Sasuke-kun, and **nobody** beats Sasuke-kun! NOBODY!!", finishing with an evil laugh.

"Wanna bet on that?" Neji arrogantly asked, cracking his knuckles.

"Yeah...the guy hax0rs," Sakura said, and Neji started to shiver. "H-H-Hax0rs?! Lee...I can't do this anymore! UNCLE!!" Neji cried, running back to his manor.

"What is hax0ring?...It does not matter! I will be your shining knight in an armor of gold, Sakura-chan! I will defeat Sasuke, even if he does hax0r!" I valiantly said, and Sakura laughed at my statement.

"Heh...Good luck getting yourself killed, Sasuke not only hax0rs, but he has Godmode!" Sakura-chan said, but I already left to train with my beloved master, Gai-sensei!

I quickly asked my sensei, "What is hax0ring and Godmode, Gai-sensei?"

"Well...you see Lee, when a man and a woman love each other, they lie on a bed, take their clothes off, and start to..."

"No, I am not talking about _The Talk_, I am asking about hax0ring and Godmode, Gai-sensei," I explained, and he nodded, thinking of an answer.

"Hax0ring is using something to unfairly gain an advantage, like Sasuke's curse seal..." Gai-sensei started, and I said, "Yes, I am aware of that, it is Sasuke-san that I am fighting."

"But Godmode...is even worse. It lets the user do...ANYTHING!!" Gai-sensei ended fearfully, and I started cringing at how much of a 1337 hax0r Sasuke really is. He has power over the whole of Konoha and he can destroy it in one day! That...bastard! I will still win for Sakura-chan! "Believe it!" I yelled.

"Dude, Lee, not cool! That's my line!" Naruto complained, and I suggested, "...Wouldn't Dattebayo be much cooler?"

"Hey, yeah! That's my catchphrase from now on! Thanks, Lee!" Naruto said, and I guess the Dattebayo has magical powers, because three days later, the villagers all stopped hating him and stopped complaining in gibberish about something called "Those damn American dubs..."

I finally caught up to Sasuke to engage him in battle, but he already hax0red himself to teleport to the top of a telephone pole! I was forced to chase him up as he said in hax0r language, "r u such a n00b dat u hav to actually run? ur such a loser..."

I replied, "What are you saying? We must fight!", and ran at Sasuke in a blur, but he already disappeared and sent a million Chidoris down my spine, sending a pain-racking sensation, causing my back to bleed all over.

"r u dun already? am i too 1337 for u? t00 bad, u sux0r, liv with it!" Sasuke screamed, blasting fire, which I could thankfully avoid, but then I peered into Sasuke's cold, lifeless eyes, where I saw...the Mangekyo Sharingan! 'This isn't supposed to happen, even _if_ he can control everything...Damn,' I thought, as Sasuke brought me into the world of Tsukyomi, where everything is supposed to go wrong.

"hahaha, lolz, youth? u r old now, go die!" Sasuke said, and I saw my body, weak, wrinkled, and deprived of youth! I looked like I was 100 years old and only getting older!

"sufer teh arrow of time, cuz u r a nub! rofl!" Sasuke laughed once again, as I felt the worst torture of my life! Being old! "only 71 hours, 59 minutes, and 59 seconds to go! lol," he manically claimed, and I couldn't help it. I needed Sakura-chan's love but this was too much!

"NOO!!" I screamed, trying to block out the pain, but for the first time in my life, I wanted to give up. Just give up and be a disgrace...

But I cannot do that. My nindo does not allow me!

I am Rock Lee!

I never give up!

Also, if I give up, Gai-sensei will never buy me that ice-cream I wanted!

So, I have made my final decision. I fight until death, regardless of what Sasuke can do. I run up and try to kick Sasuke, who dodged easily, and tried to lunge at me with his knife. I was fast enough to just escape the cut to my throat, and I saw a computer nearby...Maybe this is how he does his hax0ring! I got it! I speed to the computer and give it a good roundhouse kick, obliterating all of the data, and Sasuke started sparking electricity.

"no! i wuz 1337, u canot chest liek that! u n00b!" Sasuke yelled in his computer language, but his power was no more! I kicked Sasuke upward, and while he was soaring, I grabbed him with bandages and tumbled down, yelling, "Front Lotus!"

The great hax0r Sasuke was no more. Now he was just Sasuke, just a weakling who uses shortcuts to surpass everyone else. "...But how?" Sasuke asked me.

"People like you...you think that the abilities you have are foolproof and unbeatable, so you slack off! Me? I was born with nothing, not even MP. (Chakra) Yet I trained every day, hoping to get stronger, ignoring the insults. But in the end...hard work did win!"

"...Okay, whatever. You can have Sakura, nobody wants her anyway. Hn," Sasuke mumbled in defeat, and I raised my fist, yelling a quick, "WHOO!", and I rushed to Sakura-chan's house, excitedly pounding on her door.

She walked out in radiant beauty, those pink curls reaching to the heavens, and I stared empty-mindedly, but she said, "So...I guess you passed after all," Sakura said.

"Eh...What?" I asked, completely unknowing.

"This was all just a test to see if you were the right guy or not...Who would want Sasuke anyway? I just pretended to like him to gain the respect of the fan-girls, and really, he's obviously a fake. He cheated to get where he is, replacing people like...you. But you worked hard to overcome even cheating, and that, is why I respect you above all. Besides, you talk lots! Sasuke's boring anyway, how d'you think he'd get along with a chatterbox like me, ne?" Sakura said all in one string, and my jaw literally fell to the floor.

I cannot believe it...I just earned the _respect_ of the woman I love...Only one step shy of love! Yes! This is a youthful moment!

"Uh...So, would you mind watching that movie, _Attack of the Freaks with Giant Eyes Named Neji _with me and Gai-sensei, Sakura-chan?"

"Sure! Sounds like a funny movie, Lee-kun! Funny like you!" Sakura cheerfully said, and I fell on the ground, stiff in anger.

"Youth isn't funny!"

**-YOUTH! I mean END!-**

Gai started to burst out in laughter after reading, and Lee asked, "What is so funny? This is a serious fic!"

"I know, I know. I'm just laughing at the funny parts...like where you fell down. You may even be a better writer than me, Lee!" Gai cheerfully said to his student, whose eyes started to brighten up.

"Really, Gai-sensei?" Lee asked, and Gai stood there, nodding and rubbing his chin.

"Yes...but then again, I failed the 5th grade for my English grade...this year..." Gai said, and Lee eyed him in shock.

"Wow...and I thought Naruto-san's grammar was downright illegitimate... No offense to you, Gai-sensei! Gotta go! Bye!" Lee said nervously, knowing he ticked off Gai somewhat, and started running his 50 laps around Konoha.

-Meanwhile, at the Akatsuki-

Itachi looked rather annoyed when he slammed down his copy of Romeo and Juliet, as Pain called them to Arthur's Round Table...Wait, there's no one named Arthur!

Pain announced, "Since there is no one named Arthur, our first objective of the meeting is to change someone's name...since you already had a name change, it wouldn't hurt for another one! Your name is Arthur!"

Arthur replied, "Yes, Pain-sama, Arthur will do it because Arthur is a good boy!" (A/N: Guess who that is?)

Pain then gave another announcement. "So far, our internet invasion seems to be going well...Let's take a look at the reviews for our newest fanfic, shall we?"

"Only if ya give me ma' money!" Kakuzu said, and Pain sighed, handing him a wad of bills.

**Reviews for: My Master and His Big, Long Snake by _Ped-Med_**

Reviews: 10

_Sasukes#1Fan: _Ew! Gross!

_Sasukes#2Fan: _Ew! Gross!

_Sasukes#3Fan: _Ew! Gross!

_Sasukes#4Fan: _Ew! Gross!

_Sasukes#5Fan: _Ew! Gross!

_Sasukes#6Fan: _Ew! Gross!

_NotaDumbBlonde: _Don't mind them, they're just stupid Sasuke-fangirls, especially Forehead! Sasuke only loves me, so back off! Oh yeah, and about your story... Ew! Gross!

_IgotsaBigSnake:_ Orochimaru would never do "it" with anyone above the age of 16, regardless of their looks. Other than that, it's a pretty cool fic...

_Athena Hermione Ravett: _That's repulsive and you're kinda evil...The only worse thing I can think of is an Orohina, and I do NOT want to think about that... -shudders-

_Luigifreak:_ Orohina?! Don't give him ideas! Wow...I wonder if someone even made one of those already. Sick!

Kabuto growled at each and every one of the reviews. The story is meant to be a beautiful man-boy relationship! But no, everyone has to be against it...However, the rest of the Akatsuki were smug, with evil smiles knowing that their large-scale plan was working.

"Soon...everyone in Konoha will throw up and that is when we attack! Oh, and Itachi, you're next!" an excited Pain said, and Itachi just stood there, with only one thing to offer.

"Hn."

Okay, everybody, good? Not good? Con-crits are what I most need right now, but comments, compliments, whatever's fine :P

Next chapter is basically an AU version of Romeo and Juliet, made by Itachi. Guess who the Juliet is? :o


	8. Itachi's Fanfic: Romeo and Juliet? !

_Luigifreak: Shikamaru, do the disclaimer, will ya?_

_Shikamaru: I'll pass...too troublesome._

_Luigifreak: C'mon, it's not that hard!_

_Shikamaru: No._

_Luigifreak: Please?_

_Shikamaru: No._

_Ino: Oh, boy, the battle of the lazy guys is starting! Screw this, there will be no disclaimer in this chapter._

_Choji: Luigifreak doesn't own Naruto or Romeo and Juliet!  
_

_Ino: What did I just say? No disclaimer, you fatass!_

_Choji: ..._

_Ino: Oh...shit._

_And we never saw the remains of Ino ever again. Yay? Oh, and Itachi's pairing will be an ItaHina... Yeah, I don't like it, but it fits the chapter perfectly. Time for Shakespeare! R&R! But first, a few quick A/N's:_

A/N: In case you didn't know, the "reviews" for the stories that were made consist of 1-2 from actual reviewers on the site (but not ones they actually wrote) and a few from the Naruto cast.

A/N: In this story, Tayuya and Kimimaro will be assumed to be alive for plot purposes. The story of how they're...not dead will be explained later, and Tayuya will most likely make her own fanfic! Yay for swearing!

A/N: In this chapter, Itachi's story will have a screenplay-like dialogue, because that's what 'Spears himself used :P

**Chapter 8: Itachi's Diary...I meant...Fanfic. Don't kill me! Waah!**

After being asked to contribute with a fanfic, Itachi instead said, "Hn," and ran out to buy some pizza.

"That disobeying twit...He better come back with something when he's done!" Pain said, but Kisame tapped him on the shoulder.

"Uh...Pain-sama, Itachi already wrote a fanfic, according to my reports," Kisame cautiously spoke.

"Really? Where?" Pain asked.

"I'd rather not say," Kisame answered, regretting that he didn't shut his mouth.

"TELL. ME. NOW," Pain said, and Kisame whimpered in fear, dropping his sword, and he pointed his finger in a certain direction in Itachi's room, where a book said "My Diary."

"Interesting," Pain said, picking up the book and slowly opening Itachi's deepest secrets, as Kisame bit his fingernails and thought, 'Shit...Itachi's gonna kill me for this...'

**December 26, 2004**

_Dear Diary, _

_I'm still holding my plushie of Hinata-chan that Kisame made me for Christmas...It's so kawaii! Too bad she doesn't even know me and I'm too much of an evil figurehead and a wimp to barge right into Konoha and tell her my feelings...I think I'll cut my wrists now. My life sucks._

_-Itachi :(  
_

**December 28, 2004**

_Dear Diary,_

_I actually did it! I conquered my fear and snuck into Konoha, disguising myself as that orange-jumpsuit idiot and going up to Hinata-chan. And you know what else? It was her birthday! I think I gave my Hinata-chan the bestest present ever! I gave her a hug! Of course, I was dressed as Naruto, so she fainted, but she also had a big smile on her face! She just felt so warm...I love you, Hina-chan. Oh, and Pain-sama, if you're reading this, it's all fake, okay? (not...)_

_Itachi :)_

**New Years! January 1, 2005**

_Dear Diary,_

_I'm in a rather poetic mood this year, and I need to express my love for Hinata-chan while I slit my wrists again, so here it is! Romeo and Juliet, Itachi-style! (Please don't call me a pedophile...the age difference is what, 6 years? And that's COMPLETELY NORMAL! I AIN'T NO PSYCHO! I ONLY KILLED MY ENTIRE CLAN, THAT'S REASONABLE, RIGHT?!)_

_-Itachi_

**Itachi's Fanfic/Oneshot**

**Title: Itachi and Hinata by William Shake-a-spear**

**Rating: T**

**Description: Following the love story of Romeo and Juliet, two eternal lovers turn emo and kill themselves because their parents are ignorant douchebags. AU, assuming the Uchiha clan was _not_ massacred. ItaHina.**

**Prologue: **Two households, both alike in dignity,  
In fair Konoha, where we lay our scene,  
From ancient grudge break to new mutiny,  
Where civil blood makes civil hands unclean.  
From forth the fatal loins of these two foes  
A pair of star-cross'd lovers take their life;  
Whole misadventured piteous overthrows  
Do with their death bury their parents' strife.  
The fearful passage of their death-mark'd love,  
And the continuance of their parents' rage,  
Which, but their children's end, nought could remove,  
Is now the two hours' traffic of our stage;  
The which if you with patient ears attend,  
What here shall miss, our toil shall strive to mend.

**Itachi. **Dude, you gave away the entire story, idiots!

**Chorus. **Geez, sorry, it's our freaking jobs! Get over it!

**Itachi. **Hn.

_**Act I, Scene 1**_

_-Enter James and Dave, two members of the Hyuga Branch House, armed with nothing because they suck.-_

**James.** Hey Dave, did you bring any Coca-Cola?

**Dave.** No, because then I would need a cooler.

**James.** Cold, yes, like Orochimaru. Say, didn't he rape another 12-year old boy with his coils?

**Dave.** More like with his coc...

**James:** Shut up and draw thy weapon, the Uchihas are coming!

-Enter 2 random Uchihas-

**Dave.** My naked weapon is out! Quarrel! I will back thee.

**James. **Your _naked_ weapon?...I'd rather you go in front of me. Cream the enemy!

**Dave. **Will do!

_-The next scene is censored due to legal issues-_

**Sasuke. **Part, fools! Put up your swords...or whatever you hold, for you fight like ninnies!

_-Enter Neji, hot-headed cousin of Hinata-_

**Neji. **Dude, not cool. Prepare to look upon thy death.

Sasuke. Chill. I'm tryin' to keep the peace here, man.

**Neji.** You talk of peace? I hate that word

as I hate this stupid tattoo on my head,

as I hate the Main House,

and as I hate the damn Uchihas! And you, most of all...Have at thee, noob!

**Sasuke.** ...Hn. Whatever.

_-The two fight with Chidoris and Kaitens until Hiashi and Lady Hyuga arrive, defending Neji-_

**Hiashi.** What noise is this? Give me my longsword, ho!

**Lady Hyuga.** Did you just call me a ho?!

**Hiashi. **I sure did, where's my longsword?

**Lady Hyuga.** It's in your pants, you asshole.

**Hiashi.** No, not _that_ type of longsword, I mean...'

**Lady Hyuga.** No, your sword is literally in your pants! _That_ sword you talk about, though, does thee jest? It is a _shortsword_ at best!

**Hiashi.** ...Shut up.

-Enter the Hokage with Anbu-

**Hokage. **Okay, you Uchihas and Hyugas have thrice disturbed our streets, but seeing how rich and powerful you are, I can't do shit about it, so I guess I'll relax at Jiraiya's jacuzzi party...I heard he would bring many a female there...

_-Enter Fugaku and Mikoto Uchiha-_

**Mikoto.** Where is Itachi anyway?

Right glad I am he was not at this fray.

**Sasuke.** He's right behind you.

**Itachi.** Boo!

**Sasuke.** Good morrow, cousin.

**Itachi.** Is the day so young?

**Sasuke.** Nah, not really. It's like 10 o'clock at night right now...

**Itachi.** No, idiot, I was making a metaphor as to how sad I am because I'm a freaking emo because the beautiful and bright Ayame rejected me because she doesn't want to get laid because she wants to be a virgin because she follows Diane's word for some reason! And I'm saying "because" too much because I say because!

**Sasuke.** ...Okay...

**Itachi.** Feather of lead! Bright smoke! Cold Fire! Sick Health! Smart George Bush! These are all paradoxes, as my life is! I am a hottie...yet my beautiful Ayame-chan does not accept me!

**Sasuke.** You can stop being poetic now...

**Itachi.** You only say nay for you are gay.

**Sasuke.** True 'dat. But poets are we not also? Honestly, forget about Ayame...

**Itachi.** O, teach me how to forget, for it is impossible!

**Sasuke.** I have an idea, just go to Orochimaru and ask him for an experiment...

**Itachi.** No. Just no.

..

_**Act I, Scene 2**_

_-Enter Lord Hiashi with Paris, a spoiled blonde bimbo who will 'do' just about anybody-_

**Paris. **Yeah, what-ever. You gotta like, let me do her, ya know? Because, like, it will get me all rich and fabulous, and it will, like, make me popular!

**Hiashi.** But she hasn't seen the leaves fall fourteen times! She is a stranger to this world, too young! Let her see two more winters, and we may strike a deal.

**Paris.** Like, you know what? I've seen younger girls, like, get laid and all, and they're like cool about it.

**Hiashi. **But possibly marred as well. And you, Miss Hilton, will need to take an STD test because the damn government won't let lesbian marriage happen without them. So here's the test...What is Wal-Mart?

**Paris. **Is it, like, where they sell walls and stuff?

**Hiashi. **Correct! You may marry my daughter! Yes, I am rid of her at last!

Oh, and by the way, party at my house today! (A/N: Wow, I just managed to take away the beauty of Shakespeare's writing with just one sentence!)

_-Itachi and Sasuke eavesdrop and hear about the party-_

**Sasuke.** Dude, one fire burns out another's sensations;

Take thou a new disease to the eye,

And may the old cancer die.

**Itachi.** Bullshit. I'll never find anyone as beautiful as Ayame.

**Sasuke.** Itachi, art thou mad?

**Itachi.** Not mad, but bound more than a madman,

In a prison without my food, clothes, or my lass.

My deprivation...kinda sucks ass.

**Sasuke.** Well, you know about the big party at the Hyugas' today, right?

We will go and crash it in the name of the Uchihas tonight.

Ayame will show, who you so lovest,

But with all the other beauties of Konoha.

Basically, there's gonna be a bunch of hot chicks there!

**Itachi. **One fairer than my love? The all-seeing sun

is blind if that statement isn't more than a mere pun.

**Sasuke. **Whatever. Just stop being a sad-sack. Stupid emo.

**Itachi. **Hypocrite.

..

_**Act I, Scene 3 (Hanabi acts as a Nurse here...)  
**_

**Lady Hyuga.** Hanabi, where's my other daughter? Call her forth to me.

**Hanabi.** Whatever...

_-Enter Hinata-_

**Hinata.** M-M-Madam, I am h-here. W-What is your w-will?

**Lady Hyuga.** If you keep stuttering like that, you'll fill up an entire book,

If someone were to spy on us and unto our conversations look...

**Hanabi.** The point here, is that you must marry.

**Lady Hyuga. **She's not even fourteen.

**Hanabi. **I'll lay fourteen of my teeth, but that'll hurt, so how long is it to Lammastide?

**Lady Hyuga. **Lamma...what?!

**Hanabi.** Never mind...

**Lady Hyuga. **Well, back to business. Marry, that "marry" is the very thing

I need to talk about...How do you stand on this disposition?

**Hinata. **I'll pass.

**Hanabi.** But you get to touch large snakes.

**Hinata.** Orochimaru's? No thanks...

**Hanabi. **No, not his. I refer to the one of Paris!

**Hinata.** Worse. She's a transsexual or something.

**Lady Hyuga.** C'mon, Hinata, at least _try_ to love Paris...

**Hinata.** I'll look to like, if looking liking move,

but she's a complete bimbo,

and even _with_ your consent, it won't go.

**Lady Hyuga. **Why you little!

..

_**Act I, Scene 4**_

_Itachi is found groping and brooding about the rejection he faced with Ayame, and is giving no sign of stopping the emo phase._

**Shisui. **C'mon, Itachi. You are a lover. Steal Cupid's wings

And soar above a common bound, until Cupid realizes that you stole his wings,

So he shoots you down. Like Kim-Jong Il tried to when he got nukes for Christmas.

**Itachi.** Exactly.

**Shisui.** I meant that only as an act of humor upon thou.

**Itachi.** Well, I am serious. I am struck by Cupid,

Too sore enpierced with his shaft...

**Shisui.** Did you just say...Hah! Itachi's gay! Get it? Sore? Shaft?

**Itachi.** Knock it off, Shisui...This is exactly why I impaled you in the canon...

I need light in my life, and Ayame was the only light I had.

A torch for me! Let wantons light of heart...

**Shisui.** Did you just say wontons? Man, I'm hungry. TO THE CHINESE RESTAURANT!!

_-Shisui exits-_

**Itachi.** ...This is exactly why I'm antisocial.

**Sasuke.** Stop complaining and let's crash that damn party...

**Itachi.** Hn.

..

_**Act I, Scene 5: The Party  
**_

_-The Party Starts-_

**Hiashi.** Welcome, gentlemen and ladies that do not have corns stuck on their feet!

Those dainty that deny the dance do have corns on their feet, so come all, dance!

**Choji.** Corn?! Did you say corn? Where? I want mah' corn now!

**Hiashi.** Okay...Come now, musicians, play! A hall! A hall! Give room and shake it, girls!

**Lady Hyuga. **Uh...dear? That sounded awfully like what a child-lover would announce...

Have you done "deeds" with our Hinata?

**Hiashi.** No...Just Sakura. I mean...Shit!

_-Lady Hyuga smacks Hiashi across the head and leaves-_

_-Itachi looks around for Ayame, but instead, sees Hinata and starts getting a nosebleed. In the fact that this is supposed to __ruin the beauty of Shakespeare, Itachi says only one thing.-_

**Itachi.** She's...hot.

**Neji. **That voice! It is most definitely an Uchiha!

Fetch me the rapist...rapier...whatever, boy!

The fires of the enemy stir up even greater fires in my heart!

It is my duty to strike and forward I shall dart!

**Hiashi.** Kinsman, what makes you storm like this?

**Neji.** Uchihas. Not cool.

**Hiashi.** Young Itachi, is it not?

**Neji.** Yep. The villain Itachi. _So_ not cool.

**Hiashi.** Okay...you know what? This party's so boring that

I wouldn't give a donkey's behind if he crashed it flat.

**Neji.** Whatever. Still not cool.

_-Hiashi and Neji exit-_

**Itachi.** Yo, girl, I'm kinda bland

But you're like a holy shrine. The gentle fist is this:

My body, seeing your radiant beauty, would do a handstand

But first...A tender kiss?

**Hinata.** Sorry, but I only like Naruto...

**Itachi.** Oh. That sucks. But I have sinned and I need your lips to purge my deadly sins!

**Hinata.** ...

**Itachi.** Two bucks?

**Hinata.** Five.

**Itachi.** Three?

**Hinata.** Deal.

_-Kisses her-_

**Hinata.** You _have_ sinned...that was despicable beyond belief!

**Itachi.** But isn't being badass pretty awesome?

_-Kisses her again-_

**Hinata.** You kiss by the book.

**Itachi.** And how would you know this, fair maiden?

**Hinata. **...Dad's magazines. No duh.

_(A/N: Yay, I managed to ruin a great piece of romance! Oh, and this fanfic has chapters because the actual book's too long. Yes. CHAPTERS!!)_

After reading Itachi's diary and the first part of his story, Pain literally just gawked at the small, black book and Itachi came back with a fresh, steaming pepperoni pizza. After seeing Pain and Kisame with his diary, though, he only thought one thing.

'Kill!'

Pain and Kisame both screeched like little girls and took cover inside Konan's shower room, where she also shrieked like a little girl and gave the two intruders paper cuts, sending paper cut blood and nose blood everywhere.

"Come out, bastards!" Itachi screamed, as Pain quickly gathered a laptop to submit the first part of Itachi's fanfic, and Kisame readied for battle, saying, "Give me my longsword, ho!"

"Not that line again..." Konan mumbled, wrapping herself in a towel to stop the drooling and giving Kisame his huge sword. (And yes, I literally mean a sword.)

Kisame and Itachi both vaporized the door, readying themselves for an epic battle. Meanwhile, Pain sneaked his hand around Konan and took her towels off and carried her back in the shower, where inexplicable events happened.

**-Back in Konoha-**

Naruto charged at Shikamaru's house, scaring off some of the deer, trying to ask the know-it-all a question he just needed to answer. Because Shikamaru knows everything, of course. Naruto quickly slammed Shikamaru's door twice.

Nothing happened.

Naruto knocked three more times.

Nothing happened.

Naruto knocked again.

Nothing happened.

"Go get the fucking door, lazy ass!" a shrill woman's voice said through the door rather loudly.

"Alright, calm down, troublesome woman!" an annoyed male voice said, and the female answered, "What did you just call me?!"

"Ow! Ow! Okay..." the voice said, as the door was opened and Shikamaru stood at the footstep with a red mark on his face.

"Whadd'ya want?" Shikamaru asked in an impatient matter.

"Uh...yeah, since you know everything...Does Hinata have any feelings for me? At all?" Naruto asked.

Shikamaru thought this over very quickly and replied, "...Let's talk this over a game of shogi. Which you'll lose."

_Alright, everyone, I know that everyone's fanfic should only be one chapter long, but if people seem to like Itachi's adaptation of Romeo and Juliet, up to three chapters of this will be added, and then, back to the normal fics! Con-crit, compliments, suggestions, ideas, comments, even flames will be appreciated. Yes, __flames. Heh._


	9. Itachi's Fanfic: Chapter 2

_Tayuya: Luigifreak doesn't motherfucking own Naruto or Shakespeare...  
_

_Luigifreak: Wait, you weren't supposed to say the disclaimer yet!_

_Tayuya: Do I give a flying fuck? No! Now start this shitty story already, fuckface!_

_Luigifreak: ...I think this is why national television has censors...R&R!_

_Tayuya: Fuck you, bitch. (I'm a dude by the way. 0.o)  
_

**Chapter 9: Itachi's Fic Continued**

Naruto ran to Shikamaru's house and decided to ask him an epic question. A _very_ epic question.

"Whadd'ya want?" Shikamaru asked in an impatient matter.

"Uh...yeah, since you know everything...Does Hinata have any feelings for me? At all?" Naruto asked.

Shikamaru thought this over very quickly and replied, "...Let's talk this over a game of shogi. Which you'll lose."

"Hey, shut up, dumbass! I can beat you at shogi any day!" Naruto yelled in anger.

"Alright, whatever you say...idiot. Let's make a deal...If you win, I'll tell you the truth about everything I know about Hinata...and if _I _win, I'll tell you _something_, but it's up to you to figure out if I'm bluffing or not. Oh, and you get to help my bitchy mom with the chores..." Shikamaru uttered with a yawn.

"WHAT DID YOU SAY, SHIKAMARU?! Get over here, bastard! NOW!" a high-pitched female voice called out, which Shikamaru outright ignored, and a woman suddenly trampled down the stairs, flattening Naruto like a pancake and hitting poor Shikamaru with a sledgehammer.

"You know what? We're playing outside where there are no troublesome women...OW!" Shikamaru yelled in pain, sweeping up the shogi board and scampering away from his furious mother, with Naruto following and saying random statements about ramen.

As soon as the two escaped, Shikamaru slammed down the shogi board and bowed deeply in respect, something he rarely does, and Naruto gave a confused look. "This is a very sacred game, retard," he said, forcing Naruto to bend forward also, and he started to set up the pieces.

"Geez," Naruto mumbled, and Shikamaru said, "Go. Make your move...C'mon, this is getting troublesome."

"I'm trying, I'm trying! Just wait a moment to get my genius mind working!" Naruto replied, and the two sat there for around three hours, Shikamaru fast asleep and Naruto deep in thought.

"Hm...Shikamaru, how do you play this game?" Naruto asked, waking Shikamaru from his slumber, who then started banging his head on the board, handing Naruto the instruction manual as soon as the head-banging ceased.

"Wow, cool! This is so easy! I can do anything in this game...wait, what's this piece?" Naruto asked, pointing to the most basic piece in the game, a pawn, as Shikamaru smacked his head.

'Troublesome...I can't wait 'till he loses...If Naruto's not as stupid as I think, he might actually know of Hinata's love for him...And I'm tired of her fawning over him anyway. It's too troublesome.'

**-Back at the Akatsuki Hidden Base-**

"It's supposed to be HIDDEN!" Pain yelled at Tobi, who was putting up a giant neon sign that was engraved "Akatsuki".

"Oh, sorry, Pain-sama! I'll be a good boy!" Tobi said in a sickly sweet voice, taking down the sign, running off at a random place, and getting an even larger sign saying, "_AKATSUKI ORGANIZATION OF EVIL! GOOD BOYS, PLEASE DON'T ATTACK US!_"

"What the hell...," Pain sighed, going back inside the desolate-looking cave and sitting on a couch. As soon as he spotted Itachi smiling at a picture of Hinata that he took in one of his stalker moments, Pain said, "Ahem!"

Itachi blushed in shock and flung his arms, throwing the picture away from Pain's field of vision, where he thought, 'I'm so sorry, Hinata-chan...even if it is a mere picture...'

"Yeah, you! Itachi! Finish your damn fanfic already!" Pain yelled, tossing Itachi his diary back. As Itachi caught it, he stared at the book containing his most secret thoughts, mostly comprising of Hinata, and the eyebrows of the normally calm weasel started to flame. Itachi charged toward Kisame with a Chidori in his hand. (Copyright Sasuke Uchiha 2004)

"I'LL TURN YOU INTO SUSHI!!" Itachi yelled at his teammate, who was cowering in fear and covering himself in a shield of water. Bad idea. Electricity conducts water, idiot.

ZAP!

The remains of Kisame, now known by his codename, Fried Shark, was fed to some fat cat named Garfield until Orochimaru decided to use the Impure Resurrection Jutsu...which was three seconds later.

Regardless of who saw his diary, which Itachi refused to mention, he did continue writing his exploits in the adventure to earn Hinata's love and to avoid Hiashi being a complete ignoramus, which was nigh impossible.

**Itachi's Fanfic; Chapter 2**

**Title: Itachi and Hinata by William Shake-a-spear**

**Rating: T**

**Description: Following the love story of Romeo and Juliet, two eternal lovers turn emo and kill themselves because their parents are ignorant douchebags. AU, assuming the Uchiha clan was _not_ massacred. ItaHina.**

(Just in case you forgot the characters, here they are:)

_Romeo - Itachi_

_Juliet - Hinata_

_Benvolio - Sasuke_

_Mercutio - Shisui_

_Capulet - Hiashi (Hyuga)  
_

_Lady Capulet - Hiashi's wife, assumed alive in this story_

_Montague - Fugaku (Uchiha)_

_Lady Montague - Mikoto_

_Tybalt - Neji_

_Nurse - Hanabi_

_Paris - Paris_

_Friar Laurence - Frier Teuchi (You know, the old guy from Ichiraku's)_

_Prince - 3rd Hokage_

_Peter - Naruto_

_Bitchy fangirls - EVERYWHERE!!_

_**Prologue to Act II**_

**Chorus. **Itachi loves this hot chick.

She's Hinata. She doesn't love him back in the least.

Now we should stop being pricks

And ruining the beauty of a classic literary piece.

_**Act II, Scene 1**_

**Itachi. **I'm up past my stupid curfew, but how can I leave my love?

Turn back, stupid pickle, find thy seeds.

_-Climbs a wall like some illegal immigrant, Enter Shisui and Sasuke-_

**Sasuke.** Itachi! Yo, bro, stop going for that Ayame ho!

**Shisui.** He's unwise...Damn noob.

**Sasuke.** He has run thatta-way, and leapt that wall like a Mexican!

**Shisui. **Stupid racist, my homies are Mexican! But even racists are of more brains than poor Itachi...

Humors! Madman! Passion! Lover! Noob!

I conjure thee by Ayame's bright eyes,

By her high forehead and bloody lip that she got from Neji,

By her fine foot, straight leg, quivering thigh, and what's _between_ those thighs...OH, BURNED!!

**Sasuke.** ...I'm getting tired from all of your perverted thoughts...Wanna take a bed and act 'em out?

**Shisui.** Hell, why not?

**Sasuke.** Yay, Yaoi!

_-Shisui and Sasuke leave-_

_**Act II, Scene 2**_

_-Itachi is peeking on Hinata out her window and starting to drool, because that's what Uchihas do when they're bored-_

**Itachi.** He jests at scars that never felt a wound.

_-Enter Hinata above at a window-_

**Itachi. **Dude...she's so hot! Let's sing the Hot song!

_Hot, hot, hot! She's so effin' hot!_

_Hotter than a frying pan, the oven, or the sun!_

_You must be as gay as Sasuke if you don't think she's hot,_

_Because she's even hotter than how many times Lee can say YOUTH!_

_Hot, hot, hot! I suck at singing!_

_I suck, suck, suck, suck, suck epicly at singing!_

_I can't ponder a B-flat, _

_But Hinata has at least a C (And I ain't talking about grades!)  
_

_Because she's hot, hot, hot, hot, hot, hot, HOT!_

**Hinata. **Ay me! You perv!

**Itachi.** She speaks...

O speak again, bright angel! So loving!

You may be a winged messenger of heaven,

But you might also be a devilish temptress,

Because you're...HOT!

**Hinata.** O Itachi, Itachi, where the bloody hell are you?!

You're such a lusty pervert that

You should deny thy father and refuse thy name,

And I won't be a Hyuga anymore, because Hyugas aren't allowed to be pervs!

**Itachi.** Nah. Uchihas are the bomb.

**Hinata.** O rly?

**Itachi.** Ya rly.

_-An O RLY owl randomly swoops down and stabs the couple with its beak for stealing his line-_

**Itachi. **Okay, you know what? I love you and all, but this wound hurts like a bitch, so I gotta go.

**Hanabi. **Hinata, get the hell back in the house!

**Hinata.** We shall meet tomorrow then...

By and by I come--

**Itachi. **Ha! Come! Good one, and I am as horny as a bull!

**Hinata.** Knock it off, that wasn't a sex joke!

A thousand times good night!

**Itachi.** Come on, a _thousand _times?! Even I am not that durable.

**Hinata.** STOP SAYING SEX JOKES!!

_-Itachi runs away in fear-_

**Hinata.** Holy Mary, I must marry _that_ guy?! I hate my life...

_-Hinata takes out a red marker and draws fake slash marks to make herself look like a badass emo, then sleeps-_

_**Act II, Scene 3**_

_Frier Teuchi is a world-class ramen frying cook from Ichiraku's and can also make sizzling, delicious ramen. But what everyone doesn't know is...Teuchi has evil plans up his sleeve. Very. Evil. Plans._

**Frier Teuchi.** Sweet, it's morning and Naruto has arrived!

Business is booming!

Noodles, beef, soup, vegetables, and their true qualities

They can all make delicious ramen

But also ramen that tastes like the behind of a hen.

Eggs and noodles can always be multiplied,

But the best ramen may be disqualified

If it contains...cheese.

**Itachi.** 'Sup, dude?

**Frier Teuchi.** Not much, homedog.

Why are you earlier than this damn morning's fog?

Dude, after the party for which you paid,

Did our Itachi get laid?

**Itachi.** Eh...kinda. I got a kiss, I guess.

**Frier Teuchi. **You bastard! Was it with my daughter, Ayame?

**Itachi. **No, no, no, old hag!

I have forgotten her name, for on my member she would not gag.

**Frier Teuchi. **...Dirty perv.

**Itachi.** Yeah...but dude, I'm really in love with the daughter of the Hyugas.

She's...HOT!

**Frier Teuchi. ** Did you not say that last time... -Chews on a Pop-Tart-

Do you love with your eyes and not with your heart?

Because that is not true love, only infatuation.

You have become anotha' playa, a pimp, of this nation.

**Itachi.** A pimp? ...Shit.

_**Act II, Scene 4**_

**Shisui.** Dude, this random douchebag named Neji's talkin' shit 'bout Itachi.

He wants to beat the shit out of our friend...and me.

**Sasuke. **So? Isn't Neji a wimp who lacks power?

**Shisui.** He is the Spiral of Fate! The Stabbing Screw! O,

he's the knobby nubile noob! He fights like a sissy!

Keeps distance, time, proportion for the wondrous powers of the Byakugan!

Ah, the immortal_ Kaiten!_ The _Hakke!_ The _Sixty-Four Palms!_

**Sasuke. **The what?

**Shisui.** Well, basically, he's a little pussy who depends on "destiny" to guide him to victory.

**Sasuke.** Oh.

**Shisui. **But still, alas, poor Itachi is dead!

He cannot even fight his meager love for Ayame, his very heart

pierced with the blind bow boy's butt-shaft...

**Sasuke. **Butt shaft? KAWAII!!

**Shisui.** Wow...you sure are flamboyant this morning.

**Itachi.** Yo, what up, dudes? I guess I've had a good day so far...

**Shisui. **That's as much to say, such a case as yours

constrains a man to clutch between his thighs.

**Itachi.** Meaning that he got hit in the balls.

**Shisui. **Thou hast most kindly hit it...OW! I didn't mean literally...

Now my damn balls hurt. Thanks a lot.

**Itachi.** How, then, is your pump well-flowered?

**Shisui.** How would you know that?...Unless you were gay like Sasuke here.

**Sasuke.** Hey! We get it, I'm gay! Can't you get over it already?

**Itachi and Shisui.** Nah.

_-Enter Hanabi and her servant, Naruto-_

**Itachi.** Here's goodly gear.

**Shisui.** A fail, a fail!

**Hanabi. **God ye good morrow, dudes.

**Shisui. **God ye good-den, chick!

**Sasuke. **Ye good-den?! Art thou high?

**Shisui.** High on life, yes. High on crack...possibly.

**Hanabi.** Yo Itachi, I desire a conservation with you.

**Sasuke.** Hey Itachi, she's inditing you to dinner!

**Shisui.** You're an uneducated noob, lady Hanabi...

**Hanabi.** I'm eight, whadd'ya expect?!

**Shisui.** That you are indeed a dirty bawd, bawd, bawd! So ho!

**Hanabi.** Did you just call me a prosecute?

**Shisui.** Not at all, dear girl. But maybe a prostitute, and I will say this random poem:

_-Sings-_

_An old hare hoar_

_And an old hare hoar_

_Is very good meat in Lent_

_But a hare that is hoar_

_Is too much for a score_

_When it hoars ere it be spent._

**Hanabi. **You're sure an asshole...

**Shisui.** Hey, it's how I roll, sista. See ya _-sings-_ girlie, girlie, girlie!

**Hanabi.** Wow...that moron. And Naruto, you didn't help at all, worthless idiot!

**Naruto.** I saw no man use you at his pleasure. That will happen as soon as you are thirteen, lady.

**Hanabi.** What?!

**Naruto.** See, there's this thingy called Orochimaru, who likes boys aged thirteen.

Or in your case, girls who _look_ like boys...

_-Hanabi chases Naruto and attempts murder on him-_

**Hanabi.** Well, that sucked. I was going to question you morons about Itachi's relationship with Hinata,

But screw you guys, I'm going home!

(A/N from me: Looks like there will be a third chapter of this...The actual emo suicide hasn't happened yet! Yay!)

**-End of Chapter 2-**

Itachi slapped down the paper, regretting what reactions he would get as the second chapter was posted. Oh, and Orochimaru was making out with Sasori because he looks underage, but nobody paid any heed as Sasori started to rip apart poor Orochimaru's spleen.

**-Meanwhile, back at Konoha-**

Sakura walked up to Sasuke, hoping her dreaded fear was false.

'Lee-kun can't be a better man than Sasuke-kun! No way!' Sakura thought, as she held a small blush, walking up to her long-time crush cautiously. Before this, though, she read a fanfic called "**Through The Fire and Flames (of Youth!)** by _**YOUTH!!**_ and was utterly inspired. Just in case anyone was wondering, here's the reviews...

Reviews: 5

_ExplosiveNoteNinja: _Nice, you actually pulled off a SakuLee. I's pretty hard, ya know? YOUTH! :P

_Luigifreak: _This was a very youthful fanfic. I liked it.

_It's GAI-sensei, not GAY-sensei!: _I agree with the guys above, this is filled with the radiant flames of YOUTH! Lee will love this!

_CherryBlossoms (changed my name!): _I thought it was very well-written and...inspiring, even though I'm the biggest Sasusaku fangirl out there. Brilliant!

_IgotsaLongSnake: _So I...I mean Orochimaru (I don't want Chris Hansen to catch me...) _dosen't_ get to rape Lee? Aww...

"Hi, Sasuke-kun. So...what's up?" Sakura asked weakly.

"Go away, Sakura, I'm trying to train..." Sasuke replied, putting down his Sasunaru doujinshi (Pretty much fan-made manga) while obviously _not_ training, and taking a wet hand out of his pants. (Sick.)

"Uh...Can't we train together, Sasuke-kun?" Sakura asked.

"You're worthless...once again, _go away_," Sasuke said coldly, already driving Sakura to tears.

'Was he always like this to me? Did I just ignore that because I was focusing too much on his radiant handsomeness? I mean...he _is_ a stud...But Lee-kun...He's entirely different. He's goofy, idiotic, and a failure. On the other hand...He's never been mean to me, he helps everyone in need, and...he works hard to get his strength. He didn't just get it like Sasuke-kun did...Man, this is confusing,' Sakura thought. Then, she yelled out something that would even keep Kakashi off-balance.

"You know what?! Screw Sasuke! I'll give Lee-kun the chance he deserved for a whole year!"

Kakashi then fell off a tree, landing on the ground with an Icha-Icha book, and once again, his hand in his pants.

"Man, we perverts _have_ to stop doing that..."

xxXXxx

Hey, guys! How did you like the second installment of Romeo and Juliet, Itachi style? Should I make another chapter, concluding it, or do Shikamaru/Tayuya's fic? Con-crits would be loved, comments, compliments, and suggestions are also nice.


	10. Itachi's Finale: Shaking the Spear!

_Luigifreak: Hey, Sasuke, wanna say the disclaimer?_

_Sasuke: Hn._

_Luigifreak: Is that a yes? A no? What are you trying to say?_

_Sasuke: Hn._

_Luigifreak: You won't say anything, will you?_

_Sasuke: Hn._

_Luigifreak: Maybe I should tell the entire Naruto fanbase about what you did when you saw Naruto naked?_

_Sasuke: Alright, alright! Luigifreak doesn't own Naruto! Happy, you bastard? Hn._

_Luigifreak: Yeah, that's better. Well, at least I got what I always wanted. 69 reviews with the 69th review being perverted! Yay!  
_

**Chapter 10: Itachi's Finale; Shaking the Spear! (No, not like that!)  
**

Sakura, all of a sudden, made up her mind about Sasuke and said, "You know what?! Screw Sasuke! I'll give Lee-kun the chance he deserved for a whole year!"

Kakashi then fell off a tree in shock, landing on the ground with an Icha-Icha book, with his hand in his pants.

"Man, we perverts _have_ to stop doing that..." Kakashi said in dismay as Sakura and Sasuke were staring at him, Sakura in disgust, and Sasuke in lust. Kakashi suddenly disappeared, and Sasuke finally stood up.

"Hn. Do it, see if I care. You're just a useless brat and you would've never helped me earn power anyways. Besides, that's one person who definitely won't stop me from dating...someone now," Sasuke said harshly, thinking about Naruto.

Sakura felt down at Sasuke's comment, even if she hated him now, and looked down...until she remembered her most recent training session with Tsunade! "You speak of power? Taste this!" Sakura yelled in anger, punching the ground and sending a rock spike at Sasuke's face, which gave him a horrible bruise and knocked him off of the ground.

"That's what you get for being a pompous ass! You can be with Ino for all I care!" Sakura screamed at the flying Sasuke, who was yelling, "Mommy!"

Sasuke landed in a vat of radioactive plutonium with a large splash, but nobody cared, as a green blur appeared in front of Sakura. "Sakura-chan...Wow...What did you do to Sasuke-san?"

"He was being...unyouthful," Sakura told the green guy with a smile.

**-At the Akatsuki HQ-**

"Where the hell is Orochimaru? I need him for a mission!" Deidara complained, seeking to unleash some of his newfound art.

Pain answered, "I think he's in the experimental clone room, where the clones are being aged in a rapid process...They're 12 years old now, don't ask."

"...Dude!" Deidara sputtered in disgust, running away from the scene just to get away from Orochimaru, who walked back with a rather large kunai...katana...something in his pants.

"Uh...what's that?" Pain asked in utter bewilderment, and Orochimaru answered, "I made a ham sandwich for the sweet little boys, but I dropped the jar of mayonnaise, which spilled all over my..."

"Shut up. Just write it in your fanfic to make readers grab a barf bag...Speaking of fanfics, Itachi, finish yours! All of us need a chance too, ya know?" Pain demanded.

"You could all just write them at the _same time,"_ Itachi said, stating the obvious, which Pain avoided because evil people couldn't be obvious. Itachi rolled his eyes and started writing, thinking of Hinata and shaking a spear. (Warning: Try _not_ to use your imagination at that statement. Thank you.)

**Itachi's Fanfic; Chapter 3  
**

**Title: Itachi and Hinata by William Shake-a-spear**

**Rating: T**

**Description: Following the love story of Romeo and Juliet, two eternal lovers turn emo and kill themselves because their parents are ignorant douchebags. AU, assuming the Uchiha clan was _not_ massacred. ItaHina.**

(Just in case you forgot the characters, here they are:)

_Romeo - Itachi_

_Juliet - Hinata_

_Benvolio - Sasuke_

_Mercutio - Shisui_

_Capulet - Hiashi (Hyuga)  
_

_Lady Capulet - Hiashi's wife, assumed alive in this story_

_Montague - Fugaku (Uchiha)_

_Lady Montague - Mikoto_

_Tybalt - Neji_

_Nurse - Hanabi_

_Paris - Paris_

_Friar Laurence - Frier Teuchi (You know, the old guy from Ichiraku's)_

_Prince - 3rd Hokage_

_Peter - Naruto_

_Bitchy fangirls - EVERYWHERE!!_

_**Act 3, Scene I**_

**Sasuke.** Hey Shisui, let's get the hell outta here...

Neji will kill you in 15 minutes if you don't adhere.

**Shisui. **The poor lad does not know his sword from his own rod,

And therefore carries a tiny knife, the poor sod.

**Sasuke.** Dude. Seriously. This won't end well.

_-Neji enters-_

**Sasuke.** See, told ya. Here come the Hyugas.

**Shisui. **By my ass, I care not.

**Neji.** Gentlemen, good-den, I must have a word with one of you.

**Shisui.** Die, mothafucka.

**Neji.** Not yet, peace be with you, sir. Here comes my man.

**Sasuke.** Wait, you're gay too?! Can you hook up with me or something?

**Neji.** I didn't mean it that way...Just because my hair makes me look like a girl...

_-Enter Itachi-_

**Itachi.** Yo.

**Neji. **You are a villain. Therefore,

Thou art destined to die in blood and gore.

**Shisui.** Dude, lemme fight. I'm bored.

Come at me your 64 Palms, you pussy.

**Neji.** You disgusting creep, I will _not_ come at you!

**Shisui.** ...

**Sasuke. **Can you come at me instead? Please? Please?

**Neji.** ...

**Some random fat guy.** Enough with the yaoi jokes, just fight already!

_-They fight-_

**Itachi. **Halt, Neji! Shisui!

_-Neji stabs Shisui with a fatal Jyuken strike under Itachi's arm-_

**Shisui.** Dude, this hurts!

Screw both of your houses! I am sped!

**Sasuke.** So...you take Special Education?

**Shisui. **Do you _see_ any grammatical errors?

**Sasuke. **We can't see anything, we're talking.

**Shisui. **Oh. This still hurts...

**Itachi.** Dude, courage, you pussy. Stop whining over a flesh wound!

**Shisui. **You just want the Mangekyo...you dirty bastard.

Screw both of your houses once again!

_-Shisui dies-_

**Itachi.** Whoa...The Mangekyo! Sweetness!

**Neji. **Do you not mourn for your friend's destiny?

**Itachi.** Forget that, I have the Mangekyo! Yay!

In fact, you will never come again, much to Sasuke's dismay!

**Neji.** Enough with that lame joke...

_-They fight. Neji epicly fails-_

**Sasuke. **Dude, Itachi, get the hell outta here!

Stand not amazed! The Hokage will doom thee death

If you keep standing!

**Itachi.** I just love my Mangekyo so much!

If it was a lady eye, eye-for an eye,

Be-ridden of Hinata will I

And take my loving Mangekyo out for lunch!

**Sasuke.** You sure are creepy. It is only an eye.

**Itachi. **A double-D eye! How vast! Ho!

**Sasuke.** Okay...I'll throw up now.

_-Hokage arrives-_

**Hokage.** Dude...you will be exiled. That is all.

_-Hokage leaves-_

**Itachi. **Then I must meet with good Teuchi, my frier,

For this damn situation is dire.

Why must I have this fate, oh cumbersome,

But Hinata, I, my Mangekyo, we will all ride into the night for a threesome.

**Sasuke. **DUDE! I _just_ threw up! Now I must do it again!

**Itachi.** Then do it with Orochimaru!

_-Hinata enters-_

**Hinata. **Uh...sorry, folks. A short intervention must take place, hasty,

For our..._completely retarded_ actors act quite racy.

**Jiraiya.** No, keep it going! I love perviness!

PERVERTS UNI-...

_-Curtains fall on Jiraiya, somehow choking him, skip to Act 4-_

**_Act 4, Scene I_**

In the rest of the utterly uninteresting Act 3, Juliet and Romeo plan their escape, Frier Teuchi "helping" them, and Paris is still a complete bimbo!

**Frier Teuchi.** Dude, you wanna marry Hinata on Thursday? The time is shorter than a midget...

**Paris.** Oh, like what-ever! I wanna have some hot, slutty lesbo hardcore as soon as possible!

**Frier Teuchi.** Uh...Hinata isn't like that, you know?

**Paris. **Aw, c'mon! Everyone needs a furry puppy and some sex in their lives!

**Frier Teuchi.** You really are a blonde bimbo, aren't you?

**Paris.** But she's still, like, pissed off because Neji died or something,

And I don't talk about love, 'cause sex is the way to go!

Venus smiles not, for it is a plant, the seventh plant from the glowing Sun!

I am so smart! So, like, marry me now!

**Frier Teuchi.** No. Just no. I guess Hinata's coming right now, though.

**Paris.** That is so hot, because I say so!

**Hinata. **STOP THE DAMN SEX JOKES, RETARDS!! (OOC-ness!)

**Paris.** Hi, you're my new wife! My old wife died because she got laid

And had...let's see...Gonorrhea, Syphilis, Hepatitis, AIDS.

**Hinata.** That is why I refuse to be your wife.

**Paris.** Why? This is like, so hot!

**Hinata. **Just get the hell outta here...

**Paris.** O-Kay!

_-Paris leaves in a limo with paparazzi-_

**Frier Teuchi.** There may be a solution to this, foremost.

Take this piece of steaming, hot, delicious buttered toast,

Relish it, then sprinkle it with this relish,

And it will make your life embellish,

Sending thee off into a deep sleep

And thinking you are dead, your kin will weep,

Buried in a stenchy tomb you will be,

But when you wake, Only Itachi you will see.

**Hinata.** Please stop talking like Yoda...

I only desire Itachi as much as baking soda.

But anything may be of more loving to me, ho,

Than that dirty ho.

**Frier Teuchi.** Okay, then. Good luck!

_-Hinata leaves-_

**Frier Teuchi.** Mwa ha haa! That medicine...has a side effect!

It will make Hinata addicted to my ramen, and I will earn money, and she will be fat!

And Itachi will be sure to ditch her, just like that!

And she will meet Naruto, who also indulges in ramen,

So my business will BOOM! HA! HA!

**Hinata. **I can still hear you from here, idiot.

**Frier Teuchi.** Goddammit.

**_Act 4, Scene V_**

Hinata eats the buttered toast and relish, apparently dead, and Hanabi walks into her room.

**Hanabi. **Oh crap, she died.

_-Hiashi and Lady Hyuga enter-_

**Hiashi.** Oh my God, they killed Hinata!

**Lady Hyuga.** You bastards!

**Hanabi.** Uh...shouldn't we be more dramatic than this?

**Hiashi. **Nah, this much is fine. Let's bury her, then go to McDonalds for lunch!

**Hanabi. **Yay! I want a Big Mac!

_-They all leave, carrying Hinata toward a coffin-_

**_Act 5, Scene I_**

Two days pass, and Hinata escapes from her tomb. However, everyone will be in for a shock.

**Hinata. **Ramen. I love thee.

Ramen, Ramen, Ramen.

The savory smells of its noodles,

The lip-smacking taste of the soup from the ladles,

I love you, Ramen, more than Itachi.

But then again, I never liked weasels in the first place.

_-Exit to Ichiraku's-_

**Frier Teuchi. **Excellent...

_**Act 5, Scene II**_

**Itachi. **It wonders me of what my dear Hinata has been up to,

These last four sunsets.

I must check Ichiraku,

Because that's where the ramen, the ramen I say, Naruto gets.

_-Enters Ichiraku's-_

**Itachi.** H...Hinata, you are...bloated,

For that ramen you have loaded!

I cannot bear a fat wife, it beseeches me.

So, farewell, all!

_-Itachi drives a sword into himself-_

**Hinata.** Well, that was strange.

Naruto-kun, can you explain what happened?

**Naruto.** Nope!

_-They kiss with ramen in their mouths-_

**1,000 random bitchy fangirls.** Our Itachi has died?!

NOOOOOOO!!

_-They kill themselves-_

This story, of a pair of star-crossed lovers, was a depressing tragedy in the fact that Itachi did not get to share his love and warmth with Hinata, but there is always a silver lining. At least many bitchy fangirls died. And so, Itachi has died a hero.

**The End!**

Itachi looked at his story, not particularly satisfied with the ending, but Pain-sama did say for it to be grim. And what a grim ending it was. Itachi sent the third chapter through Fanfiction Net and waited for the dreaded results.

xxXXxx

So, what did you think of that chapter? The next one will finally have a shorter fanfic, plus many happenings in the main fic, including the development of Sakulee, Naruhina, and the arrival of some familiar faces. If you care to, please offer some con-crit, comments, suggestions, etc.


	11. Shikamaru's Fanfic: Clouds

_Luigifreak: Yo Kakuzu, mind saying the disclaimer?_

_Kakuzu: Only if you pay me._

_Luigifreak: Okay...How much?_

_Kakuzu: Hmm...2 million dollars._

_Luigifreak: Nah, no thanks. I'll just say it...I don't own Naruto._

_Kakuzu: Damn! Oh, well...If you don't R&R, you have to pay me 100 dollars! Okay, just kidding...  
_

**Chapter 11: Shikamaru's Fanfic: Clouds  
**

Pain snatched the story Itachi finished writing and skimmed it over, saying, "Excellent..." in a menacing manner.

"I still can't believe you like Hinata, un...Pedophile!" Deidara commented, which made Itachi just about as red as his Sharingan.

"Yay! Join the club!" Orochimaru sweetly said in joy, and Itachi slammed his head to a desk until his brain fell out.

"Uh...you mind stitching that up?" Itachi said to Kakuzu, with his disembodied mouth, and Kakuzu waved his hand. Snorting, Itachi handed the greedy bastard a wad of cash.

"Uh...this is nice and all, but shouldn't we see how our plan's going?" Kabuto suggested, and Tobi vigorously nodded his head, yelling, "Good boy! Good boy!"

Reviews for **Itachi and Hinata by William Shake-a-spear **by _**RedEyesBlackWeasel**_

Reviews: 6

_Zero Sakura Cross_: The ending was good, but why did you make Hinata fat? That's just weird.

_Luigifreak:_ That whole story is just messed up. Not right, dude.

_Shakespeare:_ How dare you degrade my beautiful works of literature?!

_IgotsaBigSnake:_ I love all of the Sasuke/sexual references, way to go!

_GoodBoy:_ I'm a good boy! This story is good, like me, because I am a good boy!

_LongToadLegend:_ I loved all of the perviness, but take out the yaoi. Please.

Pain gave a quick smirk at the reviews and said, "Our plan is going quite well...Soon, everyone will rebel, and then, Fanfiction dot Net will be ruined forever, by the Akatsuki! Mwa ha haa!"

"No, you kinda did the evil laugh wrong. According to Jashin, it goes 'Bua ha ha, he he!' " Hidan commented on Pain's villainous skills, at which he started to fume like a teapot.

"Jashin, my ass! It's 'Mwa ha haa!' End of story!" he yelled at Hidan, who still babbled about his immortality, and Pain quickly sliced him up into bite-sized pieces, and Orochimaru got the biggest part! Yay! (Ick...)

**-In Konoha-**

Shikamaru stared at the clouds with a bored look on his face, while Naruto was scratching his head, still trying to figure out what to do in this new game of shogi.

"So, do you give up already?" Shikamaru asked with a hint of impatience.

"No, I never give up! I just need time to think!" Naruto yelled.

Shikamaru explained, "But I already have you in a checkmate, there's no point trying."

"Dammit! But I only had one turn!" Naruto whined, and said, "Now I'll _never_ know if Hinata likes me!"

"Not exactly...remember our deal? If I won, which I just did, you would have to do my chores, while I would tell you _something_, but it's up to you to decipher whether it's true or false...Troublesome. Wait, I see Hinata! This'll be interesting...Hinata!" Shikamaru called out, and the indigo-haired girl turned to see a pineapple.

"Hi, Shikamaru," Hinata said, before looking at the next figure, which was orange and yellow. Orange and yellow...what could that be? Hamburger buns and french fries?...No, it was...

"Naruto-kun!" Hinata shrieked, tripping over a bacteria and killing it. (A/N: No bacteria were harmed in the making of this...Wait, I just stepped on one. Never mind.)

"Hinata! We were just talking about you! Oh, and why'd you kill that poor little bacteria?" Naruto asked the blushing girl, who seemingly couldn't say anything.

Shikamaru sparked an idea and said lazily, "Indeed, we were talking about you...Oh, and Naruto, this way, you might know whether the question you asked was right or not. Let's see how long you can last without fainting, Hinata."

"Okay...Naruto..." Shikamaru started, and a deeper blush already creeped up Hinata's face.

"Imagine that Naruto...is holding your hand," Shikamaru continued, and Hinata instantly became redder than blood.

"Imagine Naruto...without his shirt on," he said, creating a bloody nose for Hinata to go along with her face.

"Imagine Naruto's...penis," Shikamaru finished dramatically. Obviously, Hinata was out cold again, and smiling.

"Okay, dumbass, what does that tell you?" Shikamaru asked Naruto, who was deep in thought once again.

"Uh...maybe Hinata thinks my penis is too small, so she fell asleep?" he replied with a confused look.

Shikamaru head-desked his shogi board again and said, "Do I have to spell it out for you? Hinata loves you. L-o-v-e-s you. Okay? Now go ask her out or something, this is getting too troublesome! Besides, I have to work on that stupid fanfic or whatever that Hokage-baka wants us to write..."

"You're...kidding," Naruto said, but decided that Hinata was in a bad enough condition that she needed to go to the hospital, so Naruto quickly sweeped her up, carrying her in his arms, and ran full-steam to Konoha's hospital. As Naruto nearly arrived, he thought, 'She's so warm...And her face looks...Wait, what's this thing in my pants...Oh, crap, I gotta visit Ero-sennin! He knows how to fix all of these problems!'

Shikamaru laid back down with his eyes glued on a moving cloud and he said, "Heh...it won't be long now before they start making out...I've already predicted that idiot's next 200 moves, and they will work, guaranteed. Couple possession success! I would do a favor for myself too, but all women are troublesome, especially that one with the giant fan...Fan...Fanfics...Okay, might as well do it now, it'll be too troublesome later."

**Shikamaru's Fanfic/Oneshot**

**Title: Clouds Blown Away**

**Rating: K+**

**Summary: making a summary is too troublesome... as is capitalizing words...shikatema.**

A/N: Okay, I think that making stories is a drag and a waste of time, but as I waste time staring at clouds all day, I thought, you know what? Why not do a story involving clouds?

It all started when I was but three years old. I happened to be at the Hyuga residence, on the day that Cloud ninjas invaded. I would've told Hiashi-sama, the jerk-faced douchebag, but I was too lazy to. Late at night, I heard a ruffle from the windows, and a Cloud ninja was carrying a little girl, who I presumed to be the Hyuga heiress, and I somewhat felt sorry for the girl. Not to mention, I needed to get away from my bitchy mother.

So, I walked up to the guy and said, "Hey, mister, can you take me instead? I'm bored, and really, how would you like it if I told the Hyugas about your disturbance?"

The ninja replied, "You can't do shit to me, kid!"

I simply stated, "Oh, really? You've already lost." The man looked in disbelief and tried to move, but he was trapped in my Kage Mane. (Shadow Possession)

"Whatever...I'll take you, just don't do anything dangerous, kid," the ninja said, and I nodded my head, finally being able to escape the horror I have to call a mother! Yes!

'Excellent...This kid has the potential to be one of the greatest ninja, and I stole him! I will get rewarded so much!' the Cloud nin thought.

He thought wrong.

"Dammit, why the hell are you so lazy?! Work! Train!" the same ninja fussed at me, while I tried to peacefully watch some television. Barney is overrated, so I turned on the History Channel and started zoning out.

"Why, you!" he angrily yelled out, obviously not knowing that I'm one to _never_ work. At all.

**-10 years later (Age 13)-**

It was just another one of those days, where my kidnapper, who I now refer to as Ichi-sensei, tried to make me work...Not gonna happen. I applied some itching powder to his shirt before he got up from bed and he scratched himself all day. It was so funny that I'd almost rather watch him than the clouds...

"Ow! This tickles! What's happening?!" Ichi yelled desperately.

"I guess your new name is now Itchy-sensei..." I muttered, and he started to groan loudly at my lame pun. And so, he had to go to the cleaners, and that's another day I didn't have to train...But of course, there were worse things in store.

Now, I'd rather not say this because it's too troublesome, but Konoha suddenly decided to start an epic war with us, so we were in constant danger every day and I always had to go on these damn missions every day. Of course, Suna hates Konoha, so they were on our side...But that village is too freaking strong. We'll never win.

I was just sent on a B-rank infiltration mission to Konoha with my teammates, Noob and Dumbass, assisted by some girl from Suna named Temari who uses a _huge_ fan...No, really, she's scary.

Right before the mission, we visited Chiyo-sama, who told us that three of us would be killed. How troublesome...I really hope the old hag is wrong, and if she's not, then Dumbass and Noob better die first...

We run through the forest, and I see a team of two, a blonde and a fat guy. A girl's voice was heard loudly, saying, "You're a fatass...", and a shriek came after that. Heh...thing is, Dumbass here wasn't smart enough to realize anything and said, "...Durr, you're not fat...he's fat!", pointing to the overweight boy.

"Calm down, Choji..." the blonde said, but Dumbass was no match for Choji.

Dumbass died. Choji ate him.

"Now...should we attack you too, or do you surrender?" the blonde girl said, eyeing us carefully, and I replied, "Guys...it's too troublesome to fight. Why not just come in peace or something?"

Choji thought for a moment and said, "I like the way you think, guy! Okay, we'll set up a peace treaty and some free barbeque's on me! But what are your names? I'm Choji and she's Ino," Choji said, pointing to the..._anorexic_ girl who looks kinda annoying, although I shouldn't be making assumptions.

I introduced the team that now had three people, saying, "I'm Shikamaru...The other guy's Noob...and the troublesome woman is Temari."

"What did you just say?!" Temari screamed at me, and she started to randomly throw rocks at me, which kinda sucked...

When we arrived to the restaurant to have some barbeque, Noob was such a noob that he didn't realize Choji ate the whole dish in one bite and his face slammed into the stove. Noob got cooked and Choji ate him. Noob died too.

When we set off to bring peace, this lame half-naked guy named Zabuza and his transvestite "partner", Haku, attacked out of nowhere! Haku threw ice needles, but Temari flashed...You have a dirty mind. Anyway, she flashed her fan to deflect the impending blow and spun a gust at Haku. As he got swept back, Choji, with surprising speed, body-slammed Haku into a radioactive lake, which turned him into the Loch Ness Monster!

"Excellent," Zabuza said in an evil voice, but then, Gato walked on the land and said, "Yo, here are my Pokemans, let me show you them."

"I do not wish to see them," Zabuza answered calmly, now charging into Gato.

Eh...This is supposed to be the most exciting part of the story, but I'm really getting lazy and all, so let's just say that Gato and Zabuza both died in a double knockout, Haku a.k.a the Loch Ness was seen every 17 years, and Temari and I got married. I would go more into the lovey details, but whatever. It's all too troublesome.

**The End**

A/N: Sorry, people, I said I would explain how the Sabaku siblings, Tayuya, and Kimimaro get back into Konoha, but I'll do that next chapter, as I still need to finish a project. Thanks for reading, and please leave any comments and reviews, _especially_ constructive criticism. I need to know how I can improve this fanfic even further for your enjoyment.


	12. Tayuya's Fanfic: Bleep Bleep Bleep!

Luigifreak: Okay, now we will have our very own weapons mistress say the disclaimer!

Tenten: Why should I? I'm the only person that doesn't have all of those pointless flashbacks because I have no story and all...

Luigifreak: ...So?

Tenten: So shouldn't you have a more important character do this?

Luigifreak: How about...free kunai!

Tenten: Luigifreakdoesn'townNaruto! Give me my free kunai ! NOW!

Sorry guys, I had to write a 4-page essay for final exams, but I guess I'm back! This chapter may have to be rated M for language, but whatever.

**Chapter 12: Tayuya's (Fucking) Fanfic and The Story of All but Tenten**

**-Outskirts of Konoha-**

Two people, a red-pink haired girl with a viking hat and a guy with long, white hair who looks like he would pass out any second, started to rise from the trees and rocks that made up the rubble of a battle long ago.

"Wait, why the fuck aren't we dead?" Tayuya asked, and Kimimaro answered, "Just stop the excessive profanity now, trash. And most likely, the plants I fell on were probably an antidote for my illness and that tree which should've crushed you was just too small for your fat behind, I guess..."

"Why, you!" Tayuya screamed, and reached for her flute, but ended up holding up a scroll instead.

"Huh? What the hell is this?" she asked, while opening it up, and reading its contents. It happened to be the same scroll that Tsunade gave to Naruto, but with a giant X on top of it, and with some written words that said, "Come to Akatsuki now."

Tayuya dropped the scroll and said, "Fuck that!"

However, Kimimaro picked up the scroll, eying it also, and his mouth started to form a grin.

"We might be able to see Orochimaru-sama again! Yes!" Kimimaro yelled, while Tayuya formed a look of utter disgust.

"Ew! Don't you realize that he's a fucking pedophile using you for sex, you retard?!" Tayuya burst, but Kimimaro already drew his bone-sword...Heh, bone-sword...and extended it towards Tayuya's neck.

"Come with me...or you die!" Kimimaro yelled, wanting to see his former master.

At this statement, Tayuya had to grab her lips to stop laughing and said, "Nah, you can _come_ with Orochimaru by yourself, boner-boy!"

Kimimaro glared at Tayuya, grabbing her behind the back and running off to see Orochimaru, while Tayuya responded, "...Fuck."

**-In Suna-**

Gaara was peacefully sleeping and Kankuro was setting up the latest blade for his puppet, when suddenly, a dirty-blonde haired girl slammed the door into their room, crushing it, and panting heavily.

"Gaara! WAKE UP! Kankuro! STOP PLAYING WITH YOUR BARBIES! This is urgent!" Temari screamed at the two otherwise busy (no, not in that way) siblings.

"...Eh, what now? I don't want to have to start a murder spree again..." Gaara yawned, waking up.

"I don't play with Barbies, these are action figures! And they kill!" Kankuro protested.

"Shut up, those are excuses. Anyway, Shika-kun sent me an email! YES!! Kawaii!" Temari squealed.

"Uh...is that all? Man, I hate myself for waking up..." Gaara said and grabbed a knife, attempting to be emo, only to make the sand bounce it off into Kankuro's puppet, which created another bladed weapon.

"Cool, that's pretty badass, Gaara! But is the email even important?" Kankuro asked.

"Uh...I haven't read it yet," Temari said, and the male siblings fell flat on their faces, anime-style. Kankuro sighed and Gaara shot a glare as the three went to see Temari's email from Shika, which was actually a letter written to Temari. "Oh, my...It's a LOVE LETTER!" Temari shouted.

How wrong she was, nobody knew.

_Dear Sabaku no Dudes and Dudette (kinda), _

_It's a bit troublesome, but Hokage-baka asked me to tell you that we would appreciate it if you wrote this thing called a "fanfic" as part of our alliance. See, there is a website called Fanfiction dot Net that has stories about you, as well as us, such Gaara making out with Naruto. If you want this blasphemy to stop, make a normal story. And no killing, Gaara._

_-Shikamaru_

Temari started to sob and say, "He called me a guy?!"

Gaara stood there, shocked, realizing the destruction a GaaNaru may cause.

Kankuro did nothing because no one cares about him.

"Okay, grab me a pencil! I will kill the asses who wrote this...WITH GOOD GRAMMAR! HAHAHA!!" Gaara manically yelled, shoving Temari and Kankuro backwards to quickly snatch a pencil.

**-Akatsuki Lair-**

"Jeez, why the hell would you want to be raped in the ass again, bonehead?!" Tayuya shouted while Kimimaro finally dropped her, as they went inside Akatsuki Cave.

Kimimaro quickly stated, "Orochimaru-sama's bone is famed to be almost as hard as mine are," forcing Tayuya to faint while mumbling, "Fuck you..."

Tayuya started to blink, then look up from where she was lying...she was tied to a chain, and in front of her, a good boy with an orange mask started to shout, "SHE WOKE UP!! GOOD BOY!"

Pain, Orochimaru, and a scantily clad Kimimaro ran to the redhead and Pain said, "Orochimaru, you may now do as you wish to your former servant..."

"That's gross! No way! Just make her write a fanfic or something, that's all she's good for!" Orochimaru whined, setting off Tayuya's eyebrows in flames, and Pain had to snatch her flute away for her to be at their mercy.

"Okay, fine...I'll write a shitty fanfic, now leave me alone, anal rapists!" Tayuya blurted, stomping to the nearest room with a conveniently located computer, and she started to type, with seas of red underlines because the Spellcheck doesn't count cursing.

**Tayuya's Oneshot/Fanfic**

**Title: What the Fuck?!**

**Rating: M for my fucking language  
**

**Summary: Crackfic on 15 ways of how Shikamaru and Temari die...No fucking pairings other than Shikatema, if you don't like that, leave!**

**With Crack:**

Temari starts reading a stupid fucking crackfic about Kisame and Tobi. She laughs to death.

When Shikamaru finds out, he swipes some crack from Temari's pocket and smokes it. Shikamaru then says, "Do I smell 32 purples?...I should jump off of this non-dangerous trampoline now!"

Shikamaru jumps off of a skyscraper and splatters in a bloody mess. The End.

**With a Flute:**

Temari and Shikamaru decide to start kissing. I hit them on the head with a flute. They bleed the fuck to hell. The end.

**With Fangirls:**

I decide to open a portal to somewhere called "Earth".

Out comes a hoard of fangirls who start kissing Shikamaru out of nowhere.

"What the fuck, were you cheating on me, Shika-kun?!" Temari screamed.

Temari whacked Shikamaru on the head with her fan, killing him, then the fangirls got fucking pissed, so they ate Temari with a fork. The End.

**With a Dead Chicken:**

Shikamaru buys a dead chicken from Tenten, who carried it from China. Shikamaru then kissed Temari.

They got bird flu, for the symptoms were a fat fucking ass. The two and Choji got hospitalized. Shikamaru and Temari died because of fat asses, but Choji was fine. The End.

**With Your Mom:**

Shikamaru's mom decided to tag along Temari for a date. Shikamaru whispered to Temari, "We've gone to third base so far...Wanna try for a home run tonight?"

Then, his mom, who was eavesdropping, said, "You fucking WHAT?!" and whacked Shikamaru in the head with a frying pan and hired Choji to eat Temari. They died. The End.

**With Profanity:**

I ran up to Shikamaru and Temari, and yelled, "Fuck, fuck, fuck, shit, shit, shit, ass, ass, ass, bitch, bitch, bitch, crap, crap, crap, FUCK!"

They died because I created a black hole to an alternate universe from all of those black censors. The End.

**With Gangsta' Gay People:**

Shikamaru strolled to the mall and said, "Man, I could swear that Temari's a gay guy..."

Unfortunately, he said it much too loudly and Neji shoved Shikamaru and Sasuke pinned him to the wall.

"You makin' fun of us gays, mothafucka?" Sasuke said.

"We gonna kill you, shit! It's yo destiny!" Neji yelled.

Neji used the Sixty-Four Palms and Sasuke used a Chidori. Shadows were useless. The End.

**With Sex:**

Shikamaru fucking humped Temari. What she didn't know...Shikamaru was a male hooker! They both died. The End.

**With Hot Ramen:**

Shikamaru and Temari decided to have a date at Ichiraku's, where Temari fucking squeaked, "Wouldn't Naruto and Hinata make such a cuuuttte couple?"

Naruto started to cough, banging his hand on the table to try to get a napkin. He hit the bowl into the air, as the boiling ramen soup landed on Temari's head and the bowl crashed on Shikamaru's. The End.

**With Horrible Singing:**

Shikamaru and Temari went to a random concert. Green Day played. The End. Ha, fuckers.

**With Some 40DDD+ Action:**

Tsunade decided to hug Shikamaru and Temari for a mission well done. They got stuffed between her fuckin' huge...boobs and suffocated. The End.

**With Kisame:**

Shikamaru and Temari went swimming. -Jaws Theme-... The End.

**With a Bone:**

Shikamaru had something fuckin' huge in his pants. Kimimaro's was larger. Temari ditched Shikamaru for Kimimaro, and Shikamaru became emo. The End.

**With Liposuction:**

Temari thought she was too fat, so she asked Sakura for a fucking liposuction.

After the procedure was complete, Temari asked, "Where does all of that fat go, anyway?"

Shikamaru answered, "Choji eats it all, duh!"

Choji was quite pissed and sat on both Shikamaru and Temari. They died. The End.

**With Chuck Norris:**

Roundhouse. **The Fucking End.**

Next Chapter: Some going-ons in Konoha! Finally! Please leave me some constructive criticism, comments, suggestions, or the likewise. Thanks, guys!


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